#I only see young disabled peeps doing this

[redd956]

I absolutely despise when people try to be non-ableist so hard that they go back around and be equally infantilizing.

[oolongpetageresideblog]

Formula Idea!

I had a realization when someone I know gave me some spare meal replacement shakes. I use them when I have no energy to make myself a proper meal, but as I held them and remembered the texture it made me realize it could be a perfect formula replacement for age regression!

Real baby formula can be bad for older individuals but meal shakes are meant to be for adults, with all kinds of nutrients, and it’s a bit thicker than water but still thin enough to pass easily through a bottle, and there’s tons of brands for different needs and all kinds of fun flavors! I think this is a great idea for regressors who regress to really young ages (like myself) so if anyone is interested I recommend looking into the different kinds and seeing what’s best for you!

If anyone was curious, I currently use the standard equate brand as I can’t really shop for my own “specialty” products right now, but I’ve looked into other brands and I know someone who’s diabetic who uses similar shakes, and they said there’s gluten free versions, sugar free, vegan, kosher, halal, all kinds of accommodating shakes! If you want a “standard” formula version then vanilla is your best bet, but I have strawberry and I’m looking to get banana, and there’s other flavors like caramel, chocolate, pumpkin, birthday cake, and so much more!

Little note though is that while if you’re like me, disabled and with low energy reserves, getting meal shakes into your body might be the only way you feed yourself sometimes, but these shakes should not be used as your only food source. Though they are meant to supplement your diet if you miss a meal or two, have low energy, can’t eat in the moment, are busy, or anything else, they aren’t a catch-all nutrition source and they do tend to have a lot of additives to keep them shelf-stable and tasting decent, so check the nutritional facts and make sure to get other foods into your system if and when you can! Stay safe out there smol peeps!~

[yanaequa]

Can you please share how it is in Korea in terms of disability rights? Particularly for autistic people, ofc

Hello anon! you are the first one to ask a question on me! Let's see if I can get this nicely :3

Before I start writing about this, I would like to put some disclaimer: I lived abroad for almost a decade when I was younger (5 years of secondary education and 4 years of university; I did come back to Korea every winter/summer vacation, though), and because I am autistic, I may misunderstand/be ignorant of some social norms prevalent in Korea. Just uh... don't generalize how Korea is just based on my response!

Koreans, In my opinion, are very kind. They LOVE helping others. Elders, especially. They love it so much that some even just help before it is explicitly asked. This "Helping others is must and you should appreciate other's help" social norm is so deeply rooted in Korea.

Also in Korea, there is a word "눈치(nun-chi)"(Wikipedia link here!), which means "an ability to recognize what is needed/what is actually meant for the person without explicitly talking about it." Basically it is a skill to figure out social norms, unspoken rules & other's intent, only using nonverbal communication and observation. Koreans value this so much: you can tell since there's a word for this. If you make person explicitly speak of their needs to you, then you're inconsiderate/uneducated/rude. If you speak directly about your opinion and thoughts (especially if it's negative), then you're inconsiderate of other's feelings. (And Koreans get hurt a lot by being rejected by others on the things they like. Aahh.) Elders tend to ask more of "눈치" than young peeps. It does not mean younger people are more forgivable to diversity though; they are trying to establish new social norms to replace what it was before. ev

Based on these t, the problem is, Koreans just tend to assume what others need at that moment without actually asking (because they don't want to be rude.) Some actually demand being helped without being asked first: "Hey don't you see I'm in trouble? why don't you help me!" or "You really need to ASK me? can't you just see?". Of course, it is ALSO rude to overlook other's needs, but then, even if you don't like other's help, you can't say you don't like it because of the reason stated above(appreciate other's help). Now coming to disability rights, non-disabled people just assume what would be needed for disabled rather than explicitly asking. This results the accommodation that is not actually helpful for disabled. It's really hard to get it right though, because there are always more people who think on the behalf of disabled people than actually disabled people. Oof.

To talk about autistic people in specific, it is not a visible disability, and society is not quite forgivable to whom lacks "눈치". Well, even NT struggles to fit into heavy peer pressure in Korea. There are plenty of questions are being asked "when is appropriate to do X and not to do Y in circumstances Z" in anonymous internet community and among friends even now. My mother keeps telling me that she is worried of my sister(Neurotypical, university student) not getting the job on time after graduated and missing out, because of how other people would speak about it. Korean NTs get anxious for how other people would think of them. Well for autistics? For autistics those are "autistic enough", they are pitied. Their parents speak on their behalf. For autistics those are "not autistic enough", their suffering is ignored or overlooked (because even NTs suffer from following social norms). It's the society that is full of misunderstanding, and people just try to fix it with equally opposite misunderstanding.

The society that lacks "agree to disagree". The society where people just bear the discomfort until it reaches the threshold, then blames everything when it does. The society where everybody suffers and thinking that it is natural to do so. I feel bad for them, not only disabled people, not only minorities, but just... everyone in general.

Hope this post answers your question.

[gb-patch]

Ask Answers: June 6th, 2021

I’m back with more ask responses! You can also check our Frequently Asked Question sheet if there’s something you’re wondering that’s not answered here.

FAQ   Also, if you prefer to just see the main posts without all the asks/reblogs, feel free to follow our side account instead: GB Patch Updates Blog

Thank you for the patience with these questions  ♡

Hey in very beginning of step 3 in the scene where Mr.Holden had a thought dancing on the tip of his tongue but he kept it to himself after MC and Cove were being cute (idk if it makes a difference but this is when they're dating)... Can we know what he was thinking/ wanted to say? It's been bugging me lol 

He would’ve gone into a “look how much you’ve grown”, “your dad is so proud of you”, “I’m so glad things worked out with the MC”, and etc spiel, haha. But he resisted the urge to fawn on his baby boy, at least for that scene.

If we planned to move away for college/future plans in step 3, is it implied that MC and Cove would have a long distance relationship for sure? Could MC have convinced Cove to come with them? How is the dynamic of their relationship going to be addressed in Step 4, if that makes sense? 

Cove is willing to follow the MC where they went after everything is settled for them there, and if they’re sure they want him to come! You’ll get to decide how things shook out during those transitional years just by making choices about it during the opening prologue of Step 4.

Hi! First off, how does it feel to have created one of the best games when it comes to inclusion for lbtq+ peeps? I've never felt as validated with my identity and sexuality when playing a game and I'm seemingly not alone ♥ Second, and this might be a little too specific, but what kinds of drinks does Cove like as well as dislike? Thank you, you're the best ♥

Thank you for very much! It’s really nice to hear the game felt inclusive. Cove likes regular water and fruit juices/smoothies most! He dislikes coffee and cola, and he’s not super into most teas either.

Hi, may i ask what gb patch stands for? Specifically the gb part lol

It stands for my old, silly username I used in places like Neopets as a kid, aha. The company name wasn’t super thought out since it was originally just me making VNs as a hobby. Luckily, “GB Patch” kind of seems like it could mean something reasonable, so I didn’t have to rebrand when it did become a more serious, commercial group.

If we chose to not propose to cove in the step 3 dlc would he propose or would the mc propose in step 4 or the wedding dlc? 

Yeah, you or Cove can propose in Step 4 if you’re not already engaged! The Wedding DLC takes place after the engagement so the proposal scenes aren’t there.

will you guys announce if the early access for the new game is out on patreon ? 

When beta builds of Step 4 or whatever start coming out on the Patreon we will mention it here on social media too.

Heyy I just had a quick question about Baxter if that’s okay :)?

I saw in an ask+answer that it’s possible to casually date Baxter In step 3, but what leads up to that? I have the step 3 dlc and I’ve tried playing them In a different orders and ways but it doesn’t seem to get anywhere ^^;

The Step 3 DLC is Cove-based because he’s the default guy. There’s a separate Baxter romance DLC that’s not out yet. That’s where you can get him to date you. I’m sorry for the confusion!

Will we ever get any LI's or side characters with physical disabilities or deformities? I think your games would be a great place to have them in since they're always so accepting and safe! 

Yeah, we do hope to have representation for that in future projects ^^. Thank you for the confidence in us.

Is it possible to get Cove to take the bed and MC to sleep on the floor? 

Not in Step 3, I’m afraid.

So, I have played the prologue of Our Life countless times and I haven't gotten the [Your Life] achievement, why is that? 

Steam sometimes isn’t connected properly when an achievement unlocks and so it remains locked on your account. If that happens, unfortunately getting the scene again won’t unlock it. The achievement becomes inaccessible because the game thinks you already have it. Playing with the same Steam account on a different device or fully deleting your game data (more than the only the save files) are the only work arounds we’ve found.

Since when you talk with Jeremy in step 3 it's mentioned he goes on dates with someone (which assume is JB because who else would take this boy on dates) that makes him happy, does that sort of make JB and Jeremy the canon relationship in the first game?

The default for XOXO Droplets is that JB casually goes on dates with each of the jerks! Shiloh would’ve been harsher if Jeremy was the only guy getting her attention, haha. But the player can change that default by dating just one person the whole game for their own story and who she ends up with for real has no default.

Hi, hello! Huge OL fan, thank you so much for the wholesome content, it was very much needed during these times. Managed to get several people to join team Cove, so that's very exciting, I always have people to fawn over him with. I have a little question and I'm sorry if it was asked before, but does it ever come up in the game what Cove has told his mom about us? (who knows, with so many options, one can miss it) Or, alternatively, will it come up in the Step 4 DLC? 

Thank you very much for sharing the game with people <3. It’s really great to hear people are liking it. Right now that doesn’t come up in game. Kyra is willing to keep her mouth shut and Cove isn’t gonna have that conversation either. At least not when he’s younger, but yes, perhaps when he’s a fully grown big boy in Step 4 you can ask him about it.

I’ve been thinking about this ever since it has been confirmed that there would be two love interests for OL2, would there be the possibility of forming a polyamorous relationship with both love interests? I’m sorry if you answered this previously, I’m just curious. 

We are considering it, but it’s not a guarantee yet. It’d be really great to have but it’d add so many extra alterations that’d need to made, aha.

Hello! You mentioned how Cove would be uncomfortable with kids at 23, but how old would he be when he’s comfortable with having/adopting kids? (Same goes for the other LI’s.) btw, love your game!! 

He’d want to be at least 25, but even older would be good. Derek would want to have kids when he and his partner could reasonably support them, the age itself wouldn’t matter. If they were doing good at 22 and wanted kids, he’d be up for it. Or they could wait until their 30s or whatever. Baxter is also more of a “when it feels right” guy rather than having a specific age requirement. Cove is just especially wary of being a young parent because of his own parents. I’m happy you like the game!

does step 4 immediately play after you press "end summer" in step 3? or is there another button/transition (like the story text thingy) before the epilogue begins? what happens after the epilogue? roll credits? 😂 

Step 4 will have transition section always and there will be an extra button, if you own the Derek or Baxter DLC. By default the Cove-based version of Step 4 just plays once Step 3 is over. However, having the other guys’ storylines will mean you get to pick which version of Step 4 plays; Cove Step 4 (the basic one), Derek Step 4, or Baxter Step 4.

Happy pride, thank you for all you do for us🥰

I have a quick question though, I recently got a MacBook after my old windows computer broke, and now steam says I cannot download it, but it has no issues with other games, what can I do to download it?? I’m sorry if my English is bad

Happy pride month! Unfortunately, Our Life isn’t available for Mac on Steam right now. To be an approval application Apple requires having special notarization and we as a small group haven’t gotten that. Itch doesn’t care and lets us release the game for Mac there anyway, Steam does care so we’re locked out of putting the Mac build up on their storefront. Feel free to email us and we can try to help the situation out further!

support@gbpatchgames.com

Hello! I was jus wondering if the Baxter and Derek DLCs are still happening? I haven’t heard anything about them on here or patreon in a while so I just wanted to make sure ^^

They’re still coming and we just released a new sprite sketch on the Patreon for the Derek DLC c:. But right now Step 4 is still much more of a priority. Once that’s closer to being done we’ll focus way more on sharing previews for the other guys.

is it possible to tell cove you love him (platonically) at step 3 fondness/selecting him as basically family? i just love the mc and liz sibling interactions and it got me wondering about it (especially if you've selected that option)

You and Cove can be as close as family, but there’s not a specific scene in Step 3 where you say “I love you” in a family context. But there’s always Step 4~

do you intend on ever adding a collectors mode to Our Life? Like a way to collect achievements and CGs for the gallery without it effecting any save files? 

We weren’t considering it before. But if a lot of players would find that helpful, we could start thinking on that!

Sorry if it's a silly question haha, but (in crush/love) is Cove really aware of how cute and cuddly he seems to MC? If so, what does he think or do about it? Or does he just ignore it? 

He isn’t particular aware. Cove never truly stops being surprised that the MC is interested in/attracted to him, haha.

Would you say that the alone ending of xoxo droplets is worth playing again to get? 

Nope, haha. The goal is to make friends/get a boyfriend and so the alone ending is kind of the bad ending for the game. Though there is a consolation prize if you get it by accident.

Is there any possible situation which would ever prompt Pran to bake for his girlfriend? Like I know it's unlikely I mean even if JB broke her leg somehow I'm pretty sure he'd still be like "I considered baking you a cake and doing the frosting the way I think looks interesting but you don't deserve a cake, no one does." right but also ahhh it would be super nice if some day he just surprised her with baked goods one day out of nowhere. JB would be so shocked it would be cute. So is there any possible situation where that could/would be a thing that he would do? 

He might bake out of spite, like if he felt he had to prove her wrong on something. Or if JB used some good reverse psychology on him. Or he might do it in a relatively nice way if he could make his GF so shocked by the kind gesture that his amusement with that overrode his insistence on not being sweet. Pran is very difficult in high school, aha.

Is the "one route (where) it can be seen that Everett will drop his seemingly eternal waging with Jeremy pretty easily and can start getting along without thinking much on it" the Lucas route? I'm curious! 

Yep! Everett will side with Jeremy if it’s between him and Lucas.

Hi I hope you guys are having a great day :) I just had to ask how Cliff would feel about Cove's partner/fiancé Mc calling them dad whether it be accidental or otherwise and secondly I also wanted to ask how he would feel about being asked to be the one to give the mc away at their wedding. 

He would be very touched and excited! I hope you have a good day too :D

Hello! I saw an ask relating to whether Cliff "moves on" after Cove's grown up and stuff (and he stays single), but what about Kyra? Will she be with anyone else or will she stay single? 

She does start dating again, but she takes it slow.

Hi! I absolutely love the art for characters in OL and I wonder is this fine to draw my MC in same drawing style and upload online later? Is this something artists would be okay with? Thank you! 

Yeah, you can certainly do that C:

Hey there!

I wonder if I'm just being stupid here.. Is Step 4 a DLC? And if so, where can I find it? I can't seem to find it on Steam :< Thank you!

Step 4 is a free epilogue! It’s not done yet, but once it is finished you’ll just update your game file and Step 4 will be there after Step 3 ends.

hi! are step 4 and the wedding dlc two different things?

They are. Step 4 is a free epilogue that’ll be a default part of the game once it’s done, the wedding DLC is an optional paid expansion that takes place after Step 4.

Why did Baxter not receive a step 2 sprite seeing how he shows up later

Sprites are time consuming to draw and take money out of the budget that could’ve gone to other things. His tiny appearance in Step 2 wasn’t worth all the effort to make a sprite, aha.

I just realized, what happens if if you get the patreon exclusive moment but at a later date, when you don't have the membership anymore, it's updated (like a bugs fix update for example)? Would you have to get the membership again? 

You would have to get the membership again to redownload the build. But there’s very little chance there’s going to be an update once it’s been out for over a month. If a build gets released with errors, players catch/report them within the first few days. So by the time the first subscription period ends, any problems that were noticeable would already have been fixed. And we’re certainly not gonna be adding new content to it once it’s been released for a long time. There’s no need to worry about missing out on something worthwhile in the future if you cancel your membership. It’s being made with the idea in mind that many players are gonna be getting it and then going.

Hello! Wanted to ask about gaming choice in step 3? Once upon a playthorugh I got the option to buy Cove a bracelet for his graduation present. I played the same basic character again and that option wasn't there anymore. I'm not sure where I went wrong. My Cove wears a bracelet on each hand and my MC is into fashion and jewelry. Do I need to put an earring on him or? Sorry, love your game so much. 

He also needs to have liked bracelets in Step 2 for that to be considered a good gift option for him. Sorry for the confusion! I’m happy you love the game :)

Is Step 4 being released at the same time as the Wedding DLC or will the first come before the latter? Thank you! 

I’m not sure. Ideally they’ll come out at the same time, but the wedding DLC has a lot of art to get done and we may have to release it after Step 4.

Can mc still get confession from Cove at the end of step 3 even if mc casually dates Baxter in step 3? Such as in crush mode? 

I don’t think so. Maybe that’ll change, but generally there’s differences to the Step 3 ending if you were dating Baxter and those differences likely will conflict with getting the Cove confession.

For the patreon moments/dlcs, will it be available for all tiers? 

It’ll be available for tier 2 (Fans) and up!

[high-functioning-lokipath]

Star Trek - Leonard "Bones" McCoy x reader - Southern Charm - Words: 3,556

A/N: While I did write this with TOS in mind, I do believe it is fairly AOS compliant as well. Enjoy!

"Lieutenant Commander Y/N L/N, Chief Medical Officer of the Starship Serenity."

"Welcome aboard the Enterprise, Doctor L/N. I'm Captain James T. Kirk. This is my first officer, Commander Spock and our CMO, Doctor McCoy. We're looking forward to having you as the first trainee in the Starship Exchange Training program."

"Pleasure to meet you all. And I'm looking forward to it as well," You replied, stepping off the transporter pad. You gave the Captain a handshake, the First Officer a Vulcan salute and then turned to the grumpy looking CMO.

"How old are you?" He demanded to know.

"Old enough," You assured him, crossing your arms. "Why do you ask?"

"Just don't see many youngsters like you with that rank," He trailed off, leaving the statement open ended.

"Well, I happen to be an outlier. Or haven't you heard of that, Doctor? Besides, I'm not that young," You replied, curtly. You didn't often become confrontational this quickly but questions on your age and suspicions on how you got your rank were a sore spot for you.

"Just because I have to train you doesn't mean I have to like it," McCoy grumbled.

"I never asked you to." You quickly grabbed your bag that was transported with you and walked to the doors. Just before you stepped out to the hallway, you turned back around. "Captain, Commander, have a good evening. I am looking forward to working with you two over the next few weeks. Don't worry, I know where my quarters are. Doctor, I will see you at 6."

As you unpacked your bag, you thought over what happened in the transporter room. You had really been looking forward to this training and you had heard many great things about the Doctor. Of course, you had also heard he was a bit of a grump, but you hadn't thought it was this bad! You decided to stay in your room for the rest of that evening, as it was already late when you arrived, and try for a fresh start in the morning.

"Are you out of your mind? I'm a doctor, not an assassin!"

"I was simply saying, Doctor McCoy, that Starfleet medical personnel are completely untrained in self defense techniques! We are trained to save lives, not take them. That I completely agree with. But we must also be trained how to defend and disable. Defend ourselves, disable our opponents. Otherwise we may become a hindrance to any away missions we get assigned on!"

"Look, even if you're right, and you're not, when would we have the time to train?" He yelled. "Have you ever been to medical school? Do you know how stressful that is?"

"Of course I went to med school! I happened to graduate top of my class! And I remember very clearly how stressful it is! But they need to make it work! Even another month would be enough for most!"

"Another month?" He screeched. He raked his fingers through his hair and rubbed his forehead. "Look, I have plenty of training to defend myself in the field. Let's just agree to disagree and get this over with."

"Alright, Doctor," You sighed. The first 2 weeks of training slowly passed with the only change in attitude being on your side. You'd gotten to disliking the Doctor as much as he disliked you. Every day you trained was near constant arguing and insulting.

Unbeknownst to you, Kirk had started taking bets from the senior crew members on when in the final week you two would get together. Whoever won would get 3 days vacation. The current bets on Kirk's paper were:

Uhura: As she steps on the transporter to leave Thursday

Scotty: Monday

Chekov: End of shift Tuesday

Sulu: Beginning of shift Wednesday

Spock: At precisely 07:35 in the evening Friday

Kirk looked oddly at Spock when he submitted his estimate. "Spock, you do realize she is scheduled to leave Thursday afternoon."

"Yes, Jim."

"So why-"

"I have my reasons."

"Logical, I'm sure."

"Quite. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm needed in engineering."

"Ok, Spock. But don't get your hopes high about any vacation!"

Monday: Scotty's Day

You got up early and headed down to the rec room to get breakfast. Usually you had breakfast in your room but this morning, oddly enough, Scotty had invited you to join him for breakfast. Once you entered the rec room you mentally groaned. Of course McCoy would be there!

"Good morning, Scotty," You greeted, walking up to his table which was unfortunately right next to Kirk, Spock, and McCoy's table.

"Aye! And an even lovelier morning with you here, lassie!" You blushed slightly, surprised at the engineer's comment.

"Oh please!" You scoffed. You were about to walk away to the replicators to get your food when Spock cleared his throat.

"I believe Mister Scott is correct, Doctor. Your hair and makeup accentuate your natural beauty quite well."

"Spock!" You, Kirk and McCoy gasped at the same time.

"Look here," You finally said, gathering your composure. "I appreciate a compliment here and there but really! I'm going to go get my breakfast and I don't want to hear one more peep out of any of you when I return! Understand?" They all nodded and stuck to their word, not another compliment for the rest of the day.

Tuesday - Chekov's Day

Your shift had gone fairly well. Training with Doctor McCoy was finally becoming almost bearable and there hadn't been any major disasters. "Doctor, was there anything else you needed me for today?" You asked, stepping into the open doorway of his office.

"No, you can go if you'd like," He sighed, not lifting his eyes from his PADD.

"Is something troubling you, Doctor?"

"Just a lot of paperwork, darlin'," He said absently. You blushed brightly and he quickly tried to correct himself. "I mean, Doctor. Sorry." He finally looked at you, face as red as yours. You nodded and attempted to make a hasty exit but you ran into a gold blur.

"Oh! Ezcuze me!" Chekov quickly said, helping you up. "I'm wery sorry! Are you hurt?"

"Only my pride, Pavel," You replied, dusting yourself off.

"What in blazes happened out here?" McCoy yelled, stomping out.

"Oh nothing, Doctor," You assured him.

"Well watch where you're going next time!" He ordered. With that he marched back to his office and closed the doors. You sighed and wished Chekov goodnight before leaving.

"No vacation," Chekov mumbled softly before leaving Medbay too.

Wednesday - Sulu's Day

You walked into Medbay to start your shift only to find Sulu already there. "What are you doing here so early?" You asked. "Your check-up isn't for another 45 minutes."

"I wanted to make sure I got here on time. You know how it is on the bridge sometimes," He chuckled. You nodded and chuckled lightly. You checked the schedule on the PADD and noticed the Ensign before him had cancelled.

"Well, Sulu, you just managed to get an early appointment. Step on up!" You had him sit on the nearest biobed and grabbed your Tricorder. As you started running over the usual check-up points, Dr. McCoy walked in.

"You're here early," He commented. Sulu nodded and you explained what happened. "Alright. Y/N, I'm going to leave you to it. I have a headache this morning and I think I'll just sit in my office for a bit with the lights down." You looked at him a little better, noticing how exhausted he looked. His hair was a mess and there were dark bags under his eyes. He may be a pain but he was still human and you felt for him.

"Did you need me to get you anything, Doctor?" You asked. He shook his head but groaned at the movement. "Just comm me if you need anything." He made a noise of agreement and you went on with Sulu's checkup.

Thursday - Uhura's Day

"Good morning, Y/N," Uhura greeted you in the turbolift on your way to Medbay.

"Good morning, Uhura," You replied abit sadly.

"You alright, sweetheart?"

"I'm going to miss you all. I love my ship and my crew, don't get me wrong, but," You trailed off, unsure of how to explain yourself.

"You don't feel like family there?" She filled in. You nodded slightly. "Oh honey, I understand. Don't feel bad, alright? Who knows! Maybe you'll get a transfer one day even!"

"That would be nice I guess," You admitted. The doors swooshed open and as you stepped out, Dr. McCoy walked by.

"Doctor L/N," He said, sounding somewhat frustrated. "I need you to gather all the anti-toxin hypos we have."

"Of course. Is everything alright?"

"Spock just told me we're going on a mission tomorrow. He should have told me at least 2 days ago. The new colony on Oliza 6 sent out a distress call about 1 week ago saying that something was wrong. They said some of the younger people were having strange reactions to some of the foods."

"That's odd. Isn't the food on a planet usually tested first?"

"Yes but apparently they forgot to test on the younger adults. Blasted regulations. Test one adult you've tested them all." At this point you had nodded a silent goodbye to Uhura and started walking with Doctor McCoy down the hall. "Let's see if we can't find out what's on that planet and run some tests of our own. Might save some time."

"Doctor?" You said, somewhat hesitantly.

"Yes?"

"I do have to go back to my ship this afternoon. I," you paused. McCoy had finally started to be nice with you and now you had to go. You didn't want to upset him again on your last day. "I'll help as much as I can on the tests of course, Doctor, but I-"

"No, no," He said with a sigh. "I didn't realize it was Thursday." He smiled slightly and put his hand on your shoulder. "If you tell anyone what I'm about to say, I'll have to kill you," He joked. "Your work has been excellent. Your skill set is beyond your years and please don't take that wrong. You've impressed me." You blushed at his praise. "Of course, I still don't agree with the extra combat training," He added. You rolled your eyes and he chuckled. "But I guess you're not so bad."

"Well thank you, Doctor. I, uh, I guess I'll get the hypos for you now."

"Oh, um, yes, thank you," he replied somewhat awkwardly. The rest of your shift went about the same. You and the Doctor awkwardly dancing around each other. Eventually, though, the time came for you to finish packing, and leave the Enterprise.

As you headed to the transporter room, Uhura came running up to you with a small package in her hands. "What's this?" You asked.

"Oh, just a little going away present that a few of us put together for you."

"That's really sweet of you. Thanks so-"

"Bridge to Lt. Uhura," The Captain's voice rang through her comm.

"Duty calls!" She exclaimed. "Keep in touch!"

"Will do!" You replied, heading off to the transporters. Once you got there though, you saw Scotty talking to the Captain through the comm. He seemed upset about something.

"But Captain! I-"

"Scotty, we need to help that colony. There's no time."

"Aye, Captain. Scott out," He sighed. "I cannae believe 'at."

"What's wrong?"

"Oh, lassie. I'm so sorry! The Captain just got an emergency message from Oliza 6. We're heading there straight away."

"So I'll be staying another night?"

"At least." Your brows furrowed in thought. While you did want to get back to your ship to start your transfer application, a few more days here was not all that bad.

"Ok," You replied. Scotty seemed surprised. "I'll just take this back to my room and then head to Medbay. They'll probably need me handy."

"Aye. I'll let the Captain and Doctor know." You nodded in reply and headed off. When you returned to Medbay, you could have sworn you saw a look of relief on McCoy's face.

"Doctor L/N," McCoy said. "I'm putting you in charge of Medbay for the time being." Your eyebrows raised in surprise. "Jim's put me on the landing party and you technically are the next ranking medical officer on this ship."

"Well, thank you, I guess," You said. "Have you made any progress on the tests?"

"I believe so," He pulled up some test results on his PADD and showed them to you. "The hobgoblin ended up helping me but he was actually of some use." He looked around furtively. "Don't tell him I said so though."

"I promise," you said seriously. You stared at each other for a moment before you both broke out into a fit of laughter.

"Really though, the fruits on Oliza 6 seem to be causing a buildup of adrenaline in their systems causing aggression, anxiety and heart problems."

"Hm, interesting."

"That's what the hobgoblin said," McCoy grunted. You chuckled and he finished explaining their plan to administer hypos to everyone. The comm suddenly whistled.

"Bridge to Dr. McCoy," Uhura said.

"Yes, Lieutenant?" He replied.

"The Captain is preparing to beam down now and would like you to meet him in the transporter room."

"Alright, I'm on my way." You followed the Doctor as he gathered a few last minute items from his office. When he grabbed his phaser from his desk you couldn't help yourself.

"Doctor, that phaser is last year's model. Didn't you get your new one?"

"Oh, must not've. I'll ask Scotty for one." He grabbed his communicator and flipped it open. "McCoy to Scott."

"Scott here. Whaddya need, Doctor?"

"L/N said my phaser is old. Got a new one for me?"

"Sure do, Doc. I'll have her all polished up for ya when ya get to the transporters. Just remember, this one's a wee bit more powerful than the last. She's got a bit of a kick!"

"Don't worry, Scotty, I'm sure I can handle it. McCoy out." You looked worriedly at him because, knowing his views on defense training and based on what he said, this new phaser would throw him for a loop.

"Doctor, perhaps you should just stay with your old pha-"

"Doctor L/N," He said stiffly. "I do not want to hear anything more about training. I am perfectly capable of defending myself. Please do not worry yourself. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a mission to attend to. Do you think you'll be able to handle Medbay while I'm gone?"

"Of course, Doctor McCoy," You snapped. You heard the Medbay doors swoosh closed and sighed, leaning on he's desk in his office. You closed the office doors and locked them, needing a moment to gather yourself. "Gah! That man is so annoying!" You yelled to yourself. "If he doesn't get himself killed on this mission-" you left your threat unfinished. "Oh! I could just kiss him," You seethed. "I mean, kick." You paused, mid-pace, and shook your head vigorously. Your brain had apparently taken a left turn without telling you. "Did I seriously just-and now I'm talking to myself. Ok, Y/N, get yourself together. You'll figure it out later." You finished your little pep talk and headed back out.

The first few hours were fine. One or two clumsy engineers with a few cuts and bruises. A sniffle here and a headache there. It was actually somewhat relaxing. You decided to be a little helpful and got some paperwork done for Dr. McCoy. As you sat in his office tapping away on your PADD, you found yourself lost in thought. You hoped he wouldn't be upset that you did some extra work for him. "That's not what I asked you to do, Doctor!" You mocked under your breath. Chuckling slightly you continued your quiet monologue, "Oh wouldn't he be upset if I ran a report on him. He definitely is overworked. He'd come in here, yelling and screaming in that adorable southern accent of his, and he would proba-" You interrupted yourself again. Staring off for a second, realizing what you just said. "Adorable? Good grief. I'm either unconscious or demented."

The rest of the shift went fairly well and you heard that the landing party was making good progress too. Finally you turned everything over to the night shift doctor and went to your quarters to get some rest before your shift began again in the morning. Your sleep that night was restless, though, and when your alarm went off you didn't think you had slept a wink.

Friday - Spock's Day

"Good morning, Doctor L/N," one of the nurses greeted you as you walked into Medbay.

"Good morning," You replied tiredly. "Anything on the schedule?" You asked as you got a cup of coffee from the replicator.

"No. Just a couple of vaccines that the nurses can take care of."

"Good. I'll be in the office if you need me then."

"Are you alright, Doctor?"

"Fine. Just couldn't sleep last night."

"Oh, I understand. I'm worried about Dr. McCoy too. As I understand, the reaction the youths are having is fairly viol-"

"I am not worried about the good doctor!" You yelled, angrily. "Just in case you didn't notice, he's not exactly my type. And even if he was, that is no concern of yours, nurse!"

"Permission to speak freely, Doctor?" She asked with a slight smirk.

"Of course," You replied, rubbing your forehead. "I'm not the dang Captain." She giggled lightly before replying.

"That's exactly what McCoy would say. No go get some rest. We'll hold down the fort, Doctor." With that she walked off to get a few things prepped for the day. As you walked into the office and sat down, you thought about her observation.

"Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

A few hours later, after a short nap and another cup of coffee, you were reorganizing the supply room when Scotty called through on the comm. "Doctor L/N! We're gonna need a team down here immediately! The captain and Dr. McCoy were injured and we're beaming them aboard right now!"

"Ok, Scotty, we'll be right there, how serious is it?" You replied. Chills had run up your spine when he said Dr. McCoy had been injured but you kept yourself focused.

"The Captain's not too bad. I think he said a broken arm. Doctor McCoy though. He's in pretty rough shape."

"Alright. L/N out," You signed off. You started to grab emergency supplies and sent the emergency team down to the transporter room. Just like Scotty said, McCoy was in critical condition by the time you saw him. He was completely unconscious, had multiple broken ribs, a broken right arm, a fractured left leg, and a concussion. After about 3 hours in surgery, he was finally patched up. You looked at the chronometer and saw it was about 3 in the afternoon. Deciding that you needed to talk to him as soon as he woke, you opted to sit guard on a chair next to his bed.

"Doctor L/N?" A nurse called out. You opened your eyes with a start. Looking at the chronometer again you realized another 4 hours had passed.

"Has he woken up?" The nurse nodded. "Well why didn't you wake me?" You whisper yelled, not wanting to wake him now.

"For the same reason you're whispering now. He didn't want to wake you." You shook your head and looked back at him sleeping on the biobed. "His vitals are good and he will likely make a full recovery in about a week."

"Oh no! This doctor is getting a prescription for some real R&R for at least a month. He's been far too overworked." You immediately grabbed the PADD with his chart information and put him on medical leave for a month. The nurse smiled at you and shook her head.

"You know, you're technically off duty now. You can head back to your quarters."

"I think I'll stay here a bit longer," You said slowly, a blush rising to your cheeks.

"I thought so," She nodded. You settled back down in the chair and got a bit more paperwork done on your PADD. Looking at the chronometer again you saw it just turned to 7:33pm. You heard a groan from the bed and saw the Doctor waking up.

"Well hello there, darlin'," He smirked.

"Hello, Dr. McCoy," You smiled.

"Oh for Pete's sake, would you please just call me Leonard!"

"I'll consider it," You grinned. You stared at him for a moment, realizing again just how scared you had been.

"You alright, Y/N?"

"I was just so scared, Leonard," You admitted. "I wasn't sure if I'd ever be able to tell you-" you stopped mid-sentence, nervous to continue.

"Tell me what?" You decided to chance it so you bent over and gave him a quick kiss. Standing up quickly, you looked away embarrassed. "Well, I'm not sure I understood. Can I hear that again?" He smirked. You smiled and leaned forward again for another kiss. You vaguely heard the doors open but neither you nor Leonard paid attention.

"So, any plans for your 3 days vacation, Spock?"

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 268: Please Don’t Tap on the Glass

Previously on BnHA: Dabi revealed his true identity to Hawks! His real name is actually [sound of semi truck horns blaring]. What’s that? You didn’t hear me? I said it’s [sound of dolphins chattering]. You really need to listen better. Anyway, so Dabi set Hawks on fire a bunch of times, and Hawks had some flashbacks indicating that Endeavor saved him when he was a small child, and just when it was starting to look like we might get our second tragic death chapter in a row, Tokoyami showed up to defend his mentor! Meanwhile in Jakku, Miruko remembered that even though kicking ass is fun and she’s really good at it, she still had a job to do, so she sped off toward Ujiko’s little hideaway, getting stabbed and impaled a bunch of times along the way and losing an ear and shit (I very much look forward to the cyberpunk robot-limbed Miruko 2.0 that we had better fucking get once this arc is over). Fortunately Endeavor showed up to help her out! Anyway, so absolutely no one was talking about this last week, but the chapter totally ended with Miruko about to bust open Tomura’s bacta tank with a badass roundhouse kick, so, uh. Shit might be about to go down you guys.

Today on BnHA: Shit does indeed go down, but at a very languid pace. Ujiko apparently built Tomura’s holding tank out of Nokia phones and kevlar, so even though Miruko gets a few good kicks in, she ultimately doesn’t do more than just crack it. So now the tank is just standing there leaking ominously while Ujiko sobs for no reason and we all ponder whether or not a 75%-charged Tomura will be any less doom-harbinging than the full-fledged deal. In the meantime we’ve got Girl Noumu thinking strategic thoughts and chucking acid at peeps; Crust still doing absolutely nothing; Endeavor not doing that much better to be honest; and Mic and Aizawa ready and raring to go kill the old man who turned their dead buddy into a sentient Einstein-Rosen bridge. Obviously I’m all in favor of this last bit, but I’m also on team “Mic and Aizawa not dying horribly” though, so. I do have some concerns here.

full disclosure, I’m very sleep-deprived for various reasons related to various things which can be broadly summed up as Just 2020 In General. so anyway, I’m dealing with it, but I’ve noticed that my rate of typos and errors and such has shot waaaaay up in this past week or so, so I’m just putting that out there that you may find some weird shit in this post! maybe I will write the same sentence maybe I will write the same sentence multiple times, or or the same word twice in a row by mistake, or use the completely wrong word. you are more than welcome to point this out and I will not take any offense and will indeed be grateful because I’ve apparently gone blind to it all! anyway so how are you I hope everyone is well

anyway! the chapter is early (god for all I know it’s been out for hours already. HOW FAR BEHIND AM I) so I’m recapping it early so that I will have more time to play Animal Crossing and fish and craft all of my troubles away. speaking of which Horikoshi, you had better not bring me any troubles this week, I am not in the mood do you hear

good fucking lord

is all of that Miruko’s blood??!? god, she’s even better at bleeding than everyone else. now hold up all you excited vampires, you all can get in line, I was here first

by the way Endeavor, I gave you a pass last week because your entrance was so fucking raw and you saved my girl’s life and that was really neat my man. but now that I’ve recovered from my shock and awe and am ready to be sarcastic once more, I just want to say... welcome to the party, guy. did you stop for drive-thru on your commute from the other side of the planet. were you simply not immune to the bizarre 5th dimensional time-stands-still effects of March 2020. are you curious at all how your son has changed during these past 20 years, and by “son” I am referring not to Dabi, but Shouto. are you looking forward to meeting all of Shouto’s children. are you excited to be a granddad. anyway thank you so fucking much for finally making your way down to this lair with all the speed and haste of a federal appeals process

and I see Crust is still fighting this guy after six decades

(ETA: I would be more upset about the scan quality here, but let’s face it, nobody actually cares about seeing this in HD. I’m sorry Crust.)

and we’re really expected to believe this is the very next ranked hero below Miruko. could it be that the hero ranking system is actually flawed. don’t tell me. I’m just as shocked as you are

seriously??

are we really going to stop and chat with Geriatric Hero: Crust over here. really. far be it from me to tell you how to do your job, Number One. but I’m just saying, I’m pretty sure he does still have... let’s just check... one... two... yep, two arms. not that I’m saying your system for prioritizing which of your fellow heroes to help out should be based off of the number of arms they have. but also I am saying that

OH SONNY BOY

is that a two-page panel of Aizawa Hatake Kakashi Shouta and his loyal husband Screaming Man leaping into the fray to take on some high end Noumus with their bad and sexy selves. I think that’s exactly what it is. are we blessed or are we blessed. Aizawa I’m pleased to see you haven’t aged a day and are looking just as fine as ever in this the year 2045

oh wow Endeavor I thought you had incinerated it

why wouldn’t you incinerate it. please incinerate it. did you not learn your lesson. please don’t start taking your cues from Dilly Dally Hero: Crust over here

oh wow

and yet Miruko was kicking all of their asses like they were made of plywood. really though guys. only number five. okay

Aizawa’s shouting that he wasn’t able to erase that last Noumu who was impaling Miruko because his vision was obstructed. that’s okay Aizawa, that’s why Endeavor is hopefully about to incinerate him

oh snap here we go

again, one has to wonder what kinds of interactions with rabbits Horikoshi has had in his troubled young life so as to influence his writing of Miruko’s quirk in such a way. did you at some point get rabbits confused with... I don’t even know. polar bears?! not that I’m fucking complaining holy shit

anyway, so just a friendly reminder that if Miruko dies here I will in fact push the button which triggers the hidden ejector seat built into Horikoshi’s office chair. he will be missed. but he had a good run

ho lyyyyyyy shit

so... Miruko I love you but... then why would you break the fucking vat apart with your moon-powered legs. Miruko. Miruko are you listening. oh shit she’s missing an ear I forgot. oh shit. oh shit

MIRUKO I LOVE YOU SO MUCH BUT WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T YOU JUST KICK THE BALD MAN IN THE LAB COAT INSTEAD goddammit well it’s been nice knowing y’all

well then. so this is happening. this is really happening. at least she saved us all from having to face the 100%-charged world-ending Tomura somewhere down the line. instead all we have to do is face the 74%-charged Tomura right fucking now. so that’s. ...I wonder how Tokoyami is doing

holy shit!

leave it to Girl Noumu to be the smart one. for a minute I thought maybe Ujiko had given her Ragdoll’s long-lost quirk. but then I realized that this isn’t a quirk at all, this is just her being smart and using her Big Noumu Brain. anyway so I’m preemptively sorry for having to root against you, Girl Noumu

so now she’s pondering how to disable Aizawa’s quirk. meanwhile I just remembered that we haven’t seen her quirk yet I think. please let it be something good

oh snap she ran away and made it out of Aizawa’s sight range oh fuck

the fuck is up with this thicc fucking Girl Noumu page I can’t tell wtf is going on

LOL OH SHIT

NOT TO WORRY GUYS SHE’S JUST SHOOTING BIG GIANT GLOBS OF ACID AT EVERYONE. can anyone tell if Endeavor has incinerated this Noumu yet down in the middle panel on the left. what is the fucking holdup

and now there’s a big double page of Miruko shattering Tomura’s Noumu Vat, and I can’t quite tell, but it looks like her eyes might be rolling back in a way which I decidedly do not like

(ETA: nah on closer inspection we’re good.)

didn’t she just do this like four pages ago. and how the hell did Tomura suddenly jump from 74% to 75% in like .2 seconds

oh thank god she’s still awake. but now she’s being dragged back now by the Noumu’s bone appendage things because Endeavor SERIOUSLY CANNOT GET HIS FUCKING ACT TOGETHER LONG ENOUGH TO FUCKING LIGHT ITS BRAIN TO ASHES ALREADY, LIKE SERIOUSLY THOUGH. WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL OF THAT TALK ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING FAST AND THE DIFFERENCE A SPLIT SECOND MAKES

Miruko if we make it out of this alive, I’m promoting you to number one. Fatgum will be number two. the only two pro heroes in this arc who have actually impressed me at all. shame on the rest of you. shame

so now somehow or some way Miruko is being flung into Endeavor at the speed of light

I don’t understand this at all. did the Noumu retract those bone whips back into its body superfast while dragging Miruko back with them and somehow it managed to avoid being hit by her projectile body but Endeavor took the impact straight on. this doesn’t make any kind of sense to me with my admittedly rudimentary understanding of physics. but then again it is a fucking manga so I’m not about to call NASA and ask them if this could really happen. so this was a waste of a paragraph I guess!! my bad!!

swear to god this is like the fifth panel of Ujiko just screaming. please just stop. what do you have to be worried about anyway? although if Tomura suddenly went crazy upon awakening and just straight up killed you for no reason, that sure would be delightful! that wouldn’t happen, though. or would it

WHAT IS THIS FUCKING FISH TANK MADE OF

IS THIS A TUBE OF GLASS OR A FUCKING FALLOUT SHELTER

ENDEAVOR I’M GLAD YOU’RE CONCERNED ABOUT MIRUKO BECAUSE I AM TOO, AND ALSO IT’S ALWAYS NICE TO SEE THAT YOU DO HAVE A HEART, BUT ALSO MAYBE JUST LEAVE HER FOR NOW THOUGH, SERIOUSLY??

though on the other hand it’s already too late to stop this inevitable tide, so maybe at this point they should all just get the fuck out of there instead. at least Miruko did her fucking job and saved you all from having to face the invincible unstoppable version. that’ll be a real comfort to everyone when he’s out laying waste to the countryside, I’m sure. but still

-- oh no

the boys heard that. listen you guys, I want Ujiko to die as much as anyone, but I’m gonna need you to not go anywhere near Shigaraki fucking Tomura now or ever. please. do you hear me?? you two still have both of your ears goddammit I want some acknowledgement

-- NO!!!

(ETA: is that. a fucking Tomura dialogue bubble. something stirs in the east. a sleepless malice. the eyes of the enemy are moving.)

THE MANGA GIVETH AND THE MANGA TAKETH AWAY nooooo from 20 pages last week back down to the usual 17. I got spoiled. I expected too much. sob

so now we settle in to wait two weeks to see if Mic’s piercing tones can shatter this fucking adamantium tank like a wine glass. I’m not sure I’m ready for the Noumuraki Tomuracalpse you guys. then again by this point I’m braced for just about anything though so bring it

[lo-lynx]

No cock = no sexuality? Geldings in ASOIAF

TW: Rape, violence, sexism, racism

Spoiler warning: Spoilers for all A Song of Ice and Fire books

“Lord Crow is welcome to steal into my bed any night he dares. Once he's been gelded, keeping those vows will come much easier for him."- Val, A Dance with Dragons, Jon XI

First of all, this is a great quote by Val. Second of all, I’ve noticed that this idea of gelding/castration to reduce/remove male sexuality occurs relatively often in ASOIAF. Before I go any further, I feel like I should clarify that one’s genitalia does not determine one’s gender. A person with a penis is not necessarily a man, and a man does not necessarily have a penis. However, both in our world and in the world of ASOIAF people insist on thinking that and tend to place quite a lot of significance in specifically penises. I’ve written before on this blog about eunuchs, masculinity, gender etc, so in this essay I want to look at that issue from another angle, namely the assumption that no cock = no sexuality.

A while back when I was doing research for this essay about Vary and masculinity, I came upon this quote from the book Eunuchs in Antiquity and Beyond:

Why were men castrated? Several reasons can be advanced: control and domination, punishment, political reasons, need for special qualities or abilities, religious, sexual or erotic reasons, and medical or health reasons. Some ancient writers emphasized that eunuchs were easier to control. (…) In the United States in recent years there have been several movements to castrate, either literally or chemically, individuals involved in sex crimes, especially those involving adults with children. (…) How effective physical castration is in preventing sex crimes is debatable, in spite of public belief to the contrary. (Bullough 2002, 5-7)

Now, I think we can all agree that sex crimes should be punished. But this quote made me think about the practice of castration/gelding as punishment as it occurs in ASOIAF, especially since this quote states that the effectiveness of this is debatable. When doing research for this essay I searched A Search of Ice and Fire for the word “gelded” and got 55 results. Now, loads of those were about gelded horses, but 21 are about gelding people. Of those 21 results I judged 13 to be about how gelding was being used as punishment (mainly for sex crimes), six about how gelding would be used as preventive measures against sex crimes (and two I didn’t know how to categorise). I’ll go into some of these instances here, as I try to explore what gelding as punishment/preventive measure against sex crimes says about the view on masculinity and male sexuality in ASOIAF.

Now, first some background on masculinity and male sexuality. I’ve written EXTENSIVLY before on how from antiquity until modern times for someone to be seen as a “real man” their body and sexual behaviour has had to fit certain criteria. If you want to read more on that, go read my essay on Varys. But briefly: to be a real man according to (Western) society (from Ancient Greece until now) you have to act manly (be strong, in control etc), have a penis, testicles, have penetrative sex (preferably with women), and father children (or at least be capable of fathering children). So, if you’re castrated you can’t be a “real man”? Well, according to Westerosi logic, the answer is pretty much no. (See this and this essay) The consequences of these masculine ideals are quite clear in ASOIAF, as for instance researcher Shiloh Carroll have pointed out:

Martin rejects the idea that chivalry created an ideal society where men fought only to protect their women or in grand, bloodless tournaments, instead creating a society in which chivalry is a thin veneer over a violent, toxic masculinity that victimizes men, women, and children alike. Martin’s Westeros does not reward chivalry, does not even really believe in chivalry as more than a masquerade behind which ‘true’ masculinity- violent, aggressive, and misogynist- hides. (2018, 56)

As Carroll also points out, one of the clearest examples of this is the prevalence of rape in the story. According to her, it seems as if most characters in story believe that most if not all men are capable of rape (ibid, 93). It also seems clear that most of the time, such crimes are not punished. But let’s look at some instances where it’s at least on the table:

A former slave came, to accuse a certain noble of the Zhak. The man had recently taken to wife a freedwoman who had been the noble's bedwarmer before the city fell. The noble had taken her maidenhood, used her for his pleasure, and gotten her with child. Her new husband wanted the noble gelded for the crime of rape, and he wanted a purse of gold as well, to pay him for raising the noble's bastard as his own. Dany granted him the gold, but not the gelding. "When he lay with her, your wife was his property, to do with as he would. By law, there was no rape." Her decision did not please him, she could see, but if she gelded every man who ever forced a bedslave, she would soon rule a city of eunuchs.

(A Dance with Dragons, Daenerys I)

 ‘King Stannis keeps his men well in hand, that's plain. He lets them plunder some, but I've only heard of three wildling women being raped, and the men who did it have all been gelded.’

(Jon in A Storm of Swords, Samwell IV)

 ‘Well now,’ the serjant said, ‘naked steel. Seems to me I smell an outlaw. You know what Lord Tarly does with outlaws?’ He still held the egg he’d taken from the cart. His hand closed, and the yolk oozed through his fingers.

‘I know what Lord Randyll does with outlaws,’ Brienne said. ‘I know what he does with rapers too.’

She had hoped the name might cow them, but the serjant only flicked egg off his fingers and signalled to his men to spread out. Brienne found herself surrounded by steel points. ‘What was it you were saying, wench? What is it Lord Tarly does to…’

‘…rapers,’ a deeper voice finished. ‘He gelds them or sends them to the Wall. Sometimes both. And he cuts fingers off thieves.’

(A Feast for Crows, Brienne III)

Now, the two first people on that list are people we as readers tend to sympathise with and think are good people most of the time. Randyl Tarly much less so. But what these quotes do show are that gelding as punishment for rape is widely accepted, both in Westeros and Essos (even if Dany doesn’t grant that punishment in that specific quote it seems clear that she wanted to and would in other circumstances). It’s also interesting to note how, in the passage about Lord Tarly’s punishment of rape, it is also noted that the punishment for theft is the cutting off of fingers. One can see a parallel here, with in both cases the ostensible guilty body part being cut off (with rape the genitalia, with thievery the fingers). This attitude to punishment can be seen as playing into the so called “disability as punishment trope”. Researcher Mia Harrison describes that trope thusly:

The ‘disability as punishment’ trope is one of the oldest disability tropes, with its roots stretching back to biblical and mythological narratives. The trope is frequently used in classical stories where characters are blinded as direct or implied punishment for wrongdoing such as the biblical Zedekiah and Tobit, Rhoecus and Phineus of Greek mythology, and Peeping Tom in the legend of Lady Godiva. (Harrison 2018, 29)

Now, while one might want to punish rapists, one should remember that it’s not clear that sure castration actually makes people less likely to rape again. So, we’re really just punishing people with a disability, and by doing that essentially saying that a disability is a punishment.

Now, as I mentioned earlier in this essay, there’s also several cases of what I’ve called “preventive gelding”. The most prominent of these are of course the Unsullied, but I want to begin with a quote from Jaime III in A Feast for Crows when he talks with Ser Bonifer Hasty, who have been tasked with holding Harrenhal:

He was sober, just, and dutiful, and his Holy Eighty-Six were as well disciplined as any soldiers in the Seven Kingdoms, and made a lovely sight as they wheeled and pranced their tall grey geldings. Littlefinger had once quipped that Ser Bonifer must have gelded the riders too, so spotless was their repute.

So, here, similarly to the quote from Val that started this essay, a joke is made about gelding men to make them not rape people. The whole premise of the joke that Jaime remembers is that men cannot possible control themselves, and their sexual lusts, if they still have their genitalia. But, as I said, the most prominent example of “preventive gelding” in the books are the Unsullied. Here, I will once again quote Mia Harisson, because while she analyses the show, not the books, her point still stands, and I simply cannot put it better than she does:

The Unsullied are the most normalized example of eunuchs in Game of Thrones. Children are sold from a young age to the Unsullied slavemasters, with males being trained as highly obedient soldiers. Their names are taken from them, instead being replaced with that of vermin such as ‘Red Flea’ and ‘Grey Worm’, and their genitals are removed in the final stages of training. They are described as having ‘absolute obedience, absolute loyalty’ (…) The Unsullied body is systemized into fragments that are categorized as ‘useful’ (the parts of the body can be used to fight) and ‘useless’ (the parts of the body that cannot. The slave master demonstrates the systemization of the Unsullied body by slicing off the nipple of one of his soldiers while explaining that ‘men don’t need nipples’. The Unsullied challenge notions of ‘able-bodied heterosexuality’ by considering the sexual, able body as not simply unnecessary, but an obstacle toward obedience (…) The Unsullied do not embody a masculine identity- they are not considered men at all. This is not to suggest, however, that the Unsullied should be considered positive examples of non-normative identity representation. Instead, they present a clear idea of what should be considered the ‘acceptable’ queer or disabled body: docile, compliant, and useful only in the service of others. (Harrison 2018, 38)

So, the idea of gelding the Unsullied is that they will be obedient, and that their bodies can be utilized in the most effective way. It is also clear in the books that one of the so called “perks” of the Unsullied is that they won’t rape and plunder, for instance:

‘Your Grace,’ said Jorah Mormont, ‘I saw King's Landing after the Sack. Babes were butchered that day as well, and old men, and children at play. More women were raped than you can count. There is a savage beast in every man, and when you hand that man a sword or spear and send him forth to war, the beast stirs. The scent of blood is all it takes to wake him. Yet I have never heard of these Unsullied raping, nor putting a city to the sword, nor even plundering, save at the express command of those who lead them. Brick they may be, as you say, but if you buy them henceforth the only dogs they'll kill are those you want dead.’ (A Storm of Swords, Daenerys II)

So, soldiers who won’t rape and plunder, sounds great, right? Well, the drawback is of course that the only way characters can see this happening is by pre-emptively gelding them. Now, this is hardly unique to ASOIAF, during antiquity slaves were also castrated because it was believed this made them easier to control (Bullough 2002, 6). During this time eunuchs were also often servants to women at court, perhaps most famously in harems (Llewellyn-Jones 2002, 34). In part this connection between women and eunuchs seems to have been because both women and eunuchs were considered “imperfect creatures and incomplete human specimens” since they lacked testicles (ibid). Both women and eunuchs were also seen as sexually available, due to their lower social standing than men, which was the case in Ancient Greece as well as in “the East” (for a longer discussion about sexuality during antiquity and how it relates to eunuchs, see my essay about Varys). It is important to note here, that the contemporary and Western view of harems as a space where women were locked up is not necessarily accurate to historical sources. As Llewellyn-Jones points out, harems could often just refer to groups of women, not necessarily places, or something that were out of bounds (note the similarity to the word “haram”). Women in these harems could also often have great influence over court life, in many ways similarly to the noblewomen of ASOIAF. But, in the Western orientalist fantasy, the idea of eunuchs guarding rooms filled with women just waiting to have sex with men, seems to have stuck.

I want to briefly touch on another aspect of this, which is the idea of the sexually (non-)threatening man of colour. Now, throughout history, people from outside of ones own ethnic group have generally been seen as threatening (I’m not even gonna provide a source for that). In the contemporary Global North, this figure of the dangerous Other is often seen specifically as the non-western person (Ahmed 2004). Specifically in contemporary US (as well as historical US of course), one of the forms this takes is the racist idea of the dangerous black man. In contemporary America (and across the world), one of the ways this becomes clear is of course in the racist killings of black people (so I hope you all have supported the Black Lives Matter movement in whatever way you can!). Another way is, as black feminist and scholar bell hooks has pointed out, the way black masculinity is portrayed in movies. The good black man, hooks writes, “not only accepts his subordinate status, he testifies on behalf of and exults in white male superiority. (…) [this] character shows no romantic interest in the white female hero. He is merely protecting.” (ibid, 108). Now, I am NOT saying that this the exact same as with the Unsullied. For one, the fictional space of Slaver’s Bay is not the exact same as the real-life United States (even if there are a lot of parallels between Slaver’s Bay and Reconstruction, as for instance Steven Attewell has pointed out) And Dany actively tries to change oppressive power structures. But I find it interesting some of Daenerys’ most loyal fighting forces, who is very clearly Eastern coded (even if they have different ethnicities) are described as completely incapable of being a sexual threat to her. This can be compared to for instance the Dothraki, who are constantly connected to rape and (sexual) violence. As others have noted, the way that the Dothraki are described often invoke Orientalist imagines of the ‘Other’ as sexually deprived, and dangerous (Carroll 2018, 121) While Dany have some loyal Dothraki followers who respect her as a khaleesi, as soon as she interacts with one that is not from her khalasar, she thinks that this person might rape her (i.e. A Dance with Dragons, Daenerys X). Now, one could argue that this doesn’t have to do as much with race/ethnicity as just the fact that most characters in ASOIAF seems to assume that all men are potential rapists. But the contrast between these Eastern men (the Dothraki and the Unsullied), and how they are portrayed, is interesting. The Dothraki are sexual, violent, and a threat to Dany and other women. The Unsullied are not sexual, and while they are violent, they are not a threat specifically to women. They’re just a weapon, controlled by others.

 So, in conclusion, gelding in ASOIAF seemingly takes place as a punishment for rape, and as a way to prevent rape. Both of these practices seem to assume two things; firstly, that being gelded works to prevent rape, and secondly, that this is the only (or at least the most effective) way to control male sexuality. The validity of both of these things can be questioned. For one, I would like to believe that it would be possible for men to not rape people without their genitalia being cut off. But also, genitalia are not necessarily needed for sex or sexual violence. People can get creative. The last point that I want to address here is whether this argument about masculinity and sexuality (and race/ethnicity) is something that GRRM believes, or if it’s just something his characters believes. I honestly don’t know. As Shiloh Carroll has pointed out (2018, 56), GRRM sometimes seemingly makes deliberate points about how medieval society wasn’t just filled with chivalry, but also (sexual) violence. Does that mean he believes that male sexuality is uncontrollable? Probably not. But since he tries to get the point across about the darker side of medieval society, and probably also pulls on historical ideas of geldings and eunuchs, it might come off like that. This is especially unfortunate, in my opinion, when it also plays into racialized tropes about the ethnic Other’s violent sexuality, that must be controlled.

 References

Ahmed, Sara. 2004. “On Collective Feelings, or the Impressions Left by Others”, Theory, Culture and Society, 20(1):25-42.

Attewell, Steven. 2015. “A Laboratory of Politics Part VI”, Tower of the Hand. January 15, 2015. https://towerofthehand.com/blog/2015/02/01-laboratory-of-politics-part-vi/noscript.html

Bullough, Vern L. 2002. “Eunuchs in History and Society”, in Eunuchs in antiquity and beyond, edited by Tougher, Shaun, 1-17. Swansea: The Classical Press of Wales.

Carroll, Shiloh. 2018. Medievalism in A Song of Ice and Fire and Game of Thrones. Cambridge: D.S. Brewer.

Harrison, Mia. 2018. “Power and Punishment in Game of Thrones.” In The Image of Disability: Essays on Media Representation, edited by JL Schatz & Amber E. George, 28-43. McFarland & Company: Jefferson.

hooks, bell. 1996/2009. Reel to Real: Race, Class, and Sex at the Movies. New York: Routledge.

Llewellyn-Jones, Lloyd. 2002. “Eunuchs and the royal harem in Achaemenid Persia (559-331 BC)”, in Eunuchs in antiquity and beyond, edited by Tougher, Shaun, 19-50. Swansea: The Classical Press of Wales.

Martin, George RR. 2011a. A Storm of Swords 2: Blood and Gold. Harper Voyager: London.

Martin, George RR. 2011b. A Feast for Crows. Bentam Books: New York.

Martin, George RR. 2012. A Dance with Dragons. Harper Voyager: London.

[nooruleman]

Janab...

Let's pretend I made you a writer at Pixelberry. Even better, you are now in charge of creating a BRAND NEW CHOICES BOOK.

Tell me what kind of book you'll make. The story, the characters, the love interests and whatever else you wanna mention.

(you asked for weird asks, so here you are😉)

SJFJJSJDJSJD MA'AM. THIS AIN'T WEIRD FROM ANY ANGLE, IT'S CREATIVE AF.

And very big brain which I'll have to think about a lot sjdjsjdjsjjdjs

I'll call it, 'A Reflection.'

First of all, this shall be a two-part book only.

Okie so, let's get the characters sorted now.

Our MC ofcourse, but with pronoun options, body type and various skin tone options, hair and outfits that actually match the mc's appearance and don't look like a 5yo's Halloween costume, as well as options where the mc might be physically/mentally disabled etc.

You can also choose everything given above and customize your LI to your liking.

If you do choose the last option, then you'll have certain scenes with your LIs where they support you and tell you what an amazing person you are (sidenote: to all my disabled peeps out there, I LOVE YOU AND I SEE YOU AND I APPRECIATE YOU) and the MC shall do the same for the LI (if such an option is chosen.)

This option will not be a diamond scene because you deserve to be loved and appreciated even if you don't have diamonds. Periodt.

As for LIs, there will be 4 LIs.

Your classic male and female LIs, ofcourse.

A gender fluid and a bigender LI. (With gender neutral pronouns.)

(I'd die to see so much diversity in a Choices book.)

You must choose your LI in the beginning of the book, and will be introduced to their personalities in the start as well.

The LIs not chosen will later be presented as your allies.

Okie so, main plot.

So the setting is a dystopian society (it'd be much easier to just say today's world but sjdjsjdjjs), and our mc aims to make it a utopian one.

They shall do it by negotiating, talking and making deals. No fights etc. shall take place. It would be a diplomatic and strategic fight.

They're aiming for a large change. An overall transformation of the entire society towards good.

What they do forget though, is that however much power they may gain and exercise, the world cannot be rid of evil, in any shape or form, altogether. They'll attempt to negotiate with world leaders. Most of whom who have gained that position through unfair means oppose them whilst the smaller powers slowly sway to their side. They'll face many hurdles and hardships on the path, gain friends who help them and enemies who add in macabre twists to their attempts.

The book shall begin with the mc standing behind a podium, taking a deep breath, closes their eyes, and starts speaking. We are now at a lakeside in the afternoon, mc is exhausted and broken after all their efforts and on the verge of giving up. It is the mc's go-to place when they're happy / sad. And on this particular day, there's another person there too. Our LI.

Mc and them will have a conversation where an analepsis shall take place. Mc will recall everything that they've been through, from being young to now, when they're battered and completely broken. This shall comprise of them realizing the wrongs and their attempts at making everything right, introduction to friends and enemies and every single twist they've faced till now.

This shall be the entirety of the first book. Mc and our LI will meet for 2 weeks during which everything shall be explained in a series of flashbacks. Our LI will gain the trust of mc during this process, develop feelings for them and vice versa but neither of them shall confess yet. The book shall end with MC revealing that after all struggle, they are on the road to face the biggest superpower in the world rn and if they succeed in it, it shall be their key to mc's aimed utopian world.

Before the book ends, however, there will be a soliloquy. From our LI. They shall confess that they are a spy from the very superpower mc aims to challenge, but are now conflicted because they're too deep in love with mc.

Continuing on with the analepsis legacy, the book will open with mc, once again, standing behind a podium, in front of the entire city, their speech to be aired worldwide with every important person they've encountered in their journey sitting before them.

It is now or never.

In that exact moment, mc closed their eyes momentarily once again and that's when the diagression starts. They say everything that has happened after the ending of book 1, which shall be the traffic of the next chapters of book 2. Mc will recall their planning, them discovering how their LI turned our to be a double agent, their confession and their path of forgiving them. How mc realized that utopia is impossible to achieve at the scale they want and how dystopia is impossible to be finished at that scale too. Mc going through metanoia and then slowly also realizing that it would be much better if they changed a person's world, living and perspective from dystopia to utopia, and their journey of helping people while also healing from their past, their friends and LI beside them throughout.

Because, as I believe, happiness and prosperity comes from the little things in life. And they matter more than anything else.

In the last chapter, we're brought back to the present, and mc opens their eyes. The story of their entire journey has been narrated, for everyone in the world to see. Clapping ensues as mc steps back and walks towards their LI. They are enveloped in a hug and everything fades to black.

Epilogue: mc, their LI, and their friends are shown in harmony. Quick flashes are shown of how mc's speech influenced people around the world. They are now kinder, more polite, welcoming and more forgiving. Traces of the bad are still there, but the good now overshadows it by far, for dystopia can't be finished and utopia can't be achieved.

[te-intheworld]

#FFF63 Creeping Magic

@flashfictionfridayofficial this is more like creeping awareness of magic/supernatural. First time posting so be kind peeps.

__________________

Something about my twenties makes me wish that the magic I found in books when I was young was real. Maybe it is surviving on ramen noodles and stealing TP from work, or the depressing lack of datemates and friends that come and go. Seriously y’all, I thought life would be easier if magic was real. 

Clearly I learned nothing from those books. Having magic only gives you magic problems.

When I look back, I can pinpoint strange happenings. Me and my roommate Lane would hit up the nearby 7-11 at 3am. The clerk always seemed off, his movements too awkward, his eyes too empty. Lane swore I was being paranoid but xe never paid attention. Xe would say xe doesn’t want people paying attention to xem so xe does the same.

Or the congregation of cats that met every Friday on the corner of Azul and 6th at dusk. Without fail there were at least ten cats there, their feet tucked up under themselves, their tails curled and flicking. The regularity of the meetings and the attendants, it couldn’t be normal. But Lane didn’t believe me. I think talking about it only contributes to xer theories about my paranoia—I’m not paranoid. I’m observant, it’s different.

What really sealed the deal for me though was what I say when I came home from the interview.

I found this job listing in the back of a discarded newspaper at the local grungy coffee shop where poor millennials pulled change from various pockets to pay for a small cup of refillable coffee. I didn’t recognize the publisher, but I’m no expert and the job seemed easy enough: Janitor, night shift with occasional overtime; good pay and excellent benefits, call 303-986-0094. I couldn’t pass that up. 

When I got to the interview though—which was located in a seemingly abandoned building on a seemingly abandoned block in North Denver—the inside of the building was corporate chic with a touch of individual flare. The interview was normal, the questions were normal, the nondescript person interviewing me was normal. It was all too…normal.

Then I asked, “What sorts of messes will I be expected to clean up? Do you have contracts with local offices or schools?”

The interviewer looked nervously to the left at a wall with a large abstract painting on it. The technique the painter used made the colors look like they were moving. After a moment, the interviewer swallowed and turned back to me. “The substances you’ll clean are only dangerous if handled improperly. But do not fear, we will train you extensively on how to be safe.”

I decided not to comment on how that didn’t directly answer my question. “And the benefits the ad mentioned. What would they be?”

He gestured with his hands, “You know, the usual. Life insurance, disability.”

“No dental or vision?” No job I had found or applied for offered dental or vision without great expense on the part of the employee.   

“If you work out and stay on for 6 months, we can renegotiate the terms of your contract.”

That was promising, more so than any other job offer. Not that being a janitor would be glamorous and I’d never hear the end of it from my cousin—”A janitor Xiomara? A Mexican janitor who’s ever heard of that?”—but how much longer could I wait for the right job?

“Is there anything else I should know about the job?”

The interviewer turned pale, his unnaturally light blue eyes turned almost translucent, a veil covered his countenance as though he was controlled by someone else. “If you are to take this job, you will encounter unexpected things. Things that you won’t be able to explain to others. It takes a specific type of person to work in this field. Consider whether you are a specific type of person.”

Just as quick as it came on, the veil disappeared, the interviewer returned to his normal, beige self.

I gave a disgruntled smile. “Thank you for your time.”

He smiled back, chipper as a clam. “The job is yours if you want it. Just give us a call.”

I left without making eye contact with anyone, certain I wasn’t desperate enough to mess with whatever cult activity was going on here.

When I got back to my part of town, my street appeared as it always did. Abuela Maria, the local elderly woman that fed the stray animals and admonished us young people to call our families, was walking to the dead end next to her house with a can of tuna. She wore her house slippers and robe with neon curlers in her hair, it didn’t matter the time of day.

“Hola, Abuelita,” I called to her, but she didn’t seem to respond. I assumed I hadn’t been loud enough—she is in her 80’s—but then I looked closer.  

From the half-dead trees, concrete blocks, and refuse emerged a creature the height of the trees. It had a long neck like a giraffe but instead of a mouth with teeth there were tentacles that reached out to the can of tuna abuelita held up to it. She cooed to it like one of the stray cats and scratched at its front haunches. 

I turned and went straight home, slamming the door behind me. 

That night I sat in my desk chair in the dark with only the blue light of my laptop screen to light the space googling. I entered a million combinations of search terms to see if what I saw was a symptom of some bigger problem. Cancer came up multiple times.

What was it my interview had said? “You will encounter unexpected things. Things that you won’t be able to explain to others.” 

This seemed to qualify. 

He’d also said, “Consider whether you are a specific type of person.” The creature I saw must prove I was, but was I desperate enough?

I took the job the next day.

[monsterfucker-lisa-swallows]

She tried to start a lynch mob using the old white lady trick of “two black men demanded drugs then stole my money and phone” as a cover up for murdering her son. Don’t let this slide, I’m literally begging you. Not this time. 

This boy was nonverbal, so when he was heard screaming he couldn’t explain to people that his mom was trying to kill him. They only realized after she took him to another canal to drown him that she’d been trying to kill him the first time. Because you guys don’t listen to us. You don’t believe us. You believe the people who do this to us. We end up dead because many of us don’t have a voice and you won’t raise yours with us. You say “he’s in a better place” instead of making this a better place for him

(Article from 23rd May, 2020)

This happens so often. I’m lucky to be alive because I was abused horrifically by people who were trying to “cure” me. Don’t believe me that this is common?

The Autistic Self-Advocacy Network (an organization I actually support, as opposed to Autism Speaks) reports that “In the past five years, over 600 people with disabilities have been murdered by their parents, relatives or caregivers.”

Earlier this year, an 8-year-old autistic boy was murdered by his father who had sole custody of him. He called the child a “piece of shit” two days before the child died in a freezing New York City garage in the dead of winter. His father said after the death that he’d been through “more stressful things”. They had home video footage of him beating his children. 

His name was Thomas Valva

In 2018, a 5-year-old boy with “ fragile X syndrome, pervasive developmental disorder, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, impulse control disorder and dysphasia” was the subject of 11 different complaints to child services because of suspected abuse, but as was true in my case no action was taken. He died of asphyxiation and a drug overdose. “Brayson suffered a broken arm, broken femur and numerous burns and bruises in the years before his death, court records state. Price withdrew Brayson from school a month later. It was October. By November, he was dead.” (Classic abuse tactic, isolating the victim.) When child services investigated her prior to the death, the mother claimed he couldn’t feel pain.

“Prior to his death, Price googled "Risperidone overdose" multiple times, according to the court transcript. Ingalls searched multiple phrases, including "beat child with fragile X abuse, I want to kill my autistic child, painful ways to die (and) most painful torture."

Ingalls told Price via text message that he hated her son, wanted to buy a ticket to see Brayson take his last breath and thought she should "kill him while he is young and do something with your life before he robs you of any chance of ever being happy or being anything other than a stay-at-home retarded caregiver,"”

really indicative of how you see us, guys

His name was Brayson Price

here we have a woman who is anonymous and said she was “overwhelmed and felt totally alone after her child was diagnosed with autism.” (Like cry me a fucking river, Karen.) Pled not guilty by insanity. She googled suicide attempts and mothers who killed autistic children in the 48 hours before she smothered her 3 year old daughter with a Minnie Mouse pillow. She was convinced the child’s form of autism was “more severe” than it was...which...okay are people who cover this story expecting me to believe it would be justified if it WAS more severe?

Her name wasn’t printed, but she’s not forgotten.

Here we have a Tennessee mother covering up her husband’s abuse and murder of her 5-year-old autistic son

His name was Joe Clyde Daniels

Think this is getting depressing? It’s state enforced

Up to 50% of people killed by police have registered disabilities

911 Can Be a Death Sentence for Blacks in a Mental Health Crisis

Last year, a non-verbal autistic man became agitated and shoved an off-duty police officer when in line for samples at Costco in California. His parents tried to apologize and explain, but the police officer fired on them 10 times - killing him and wounding his parents. No charges were pressed.

His name was Kenneth French

We have a manslaughter charge for a cop killing a 6 year old boy? At least he got 40 years for it?

His name was Jeremy Mardis

I don’t know how many times we have to tell you this before you believe us, but our lives are not worthless. Regardless of what “level of functioning” we’re at (which is already a ridiculous metric because I’m apparently considered high functioning even when I barely hold a job), we’re not burdens and we’re not inherently dangerous. People keep saying they’re in a better place now, but that’s just excusing it. Make HERE a better place! Stop letting these news stories slide! Stop spreading thinkpieces by Autism Speaks lamenting over a poor mother who has been burdened with an autistic child and saying she’s so brave to not murder her child! Hell, sometimes you guys make whole documentaries about mothers who murder autistic children SYMPATHIZING with them! And stop calling cops on autistic people having meltdowns, for fuck’s sake! 

Autism isn’t something we suffer from, not inherently! We suffer from the trauma of being forced to live in a world where people abuse and kill us for being different! You keep killing us instead of listening to us! Being non-verbal should NEVER be a death sentence! 

I made some posters just because I, too, sometimes need a catch phrase. Feel free to make more.

(Image: “Autism isn’t deadly, ableism is. Stop passively condoning the murder of autistic people. Hear us. Believe us.”)

(Image: “Autism shouldn’t be a death sentence. Neurodivergent children have a higher risk of being bullied and abused. Black autistic children are at a higher risk of corporal punishment at school. 50% of the victims of police shootings are neurodivergent. Hear us. Believe us.)

(Image: “Silence shouldn’t = death. Non-Verbal autistic children are routinely abused and killed by parents because nobody can hear the cries for help. Non-verbal autistic adults are shot by police because they’re assumed to be dangerous. Hear Us. Believe us.”)

Something for my non-verbal or selectively verbal peeps out there.

(Image: Non-Verbal but not silent. Some autistic people aren’t capable of verbal communication. This doesn’t make them undeserving of life or respect. Others can communicate with text or sign or are selectively verbal. It’s important to learn how to communicate with an autistic person in their specific way and to not force them to conform to yours. Practice conflict resolution. Be patient. Hear us. Believe us.)

For people like me who can speak, or for any allies who will stand with us but not talk over us:

(Image: I don’t take my voice for granted. I lift my voice for all those who can’t speak for themselves. I see you. I’m with you. I respect you. You deserve to be here. Hear us. Believe us.)

(Image: Vaccines don’t cause autism. I literally don’t know how to tell you that those findings were debunked over 2 decades ago and you’re bringing back deadly diseases. Autism won’t kill your child. Measles will. I can’t believe I still have to say this. Hear us. Believe us.)

Anyway, that’s my message. I’m sick of this. Feel free to spread this like anti-vaxxers spread measles, because people DO talk about this, but I don’t see NTS willing to do much about it usually. Unfortunately we do need you on our side to hold yourselves accountable.

And it goes without saying that even though this is an autism specific post, this post is also friendly to other types of neurodivergence. We’re all in this (risk category) together.

[fieryfafarfanfics]

(Bederia) Unplanned Confessions 1

 This was absolutely ridiculous.  Unheard of. Unbelievable. Utterly unthinkable.  And yet here he was.  Standing in the middle of Lake of Outrage. Watching in baffled daze as the women a few steps away worked and moved her way to the set up her—their—camp.  Well, to be precise, she was technically setting up her camp. His own tent was still tucked inside his backpack while hers had been neatly arranged and formed in one of the open fields. All 6 of her Pokémon were out from the moment he arrived, all either hopping or running or even sparring with one another like a bunch of baby Pokémon.  Dangerous baby Pokémon, he corrected as he spotted the fearsome Hydreigon spouting Dragon Rage at an enthusiastic Cinderace.  “Bede!”  Her name was a bell that cleared away the clouds in his mind. Violet eyes were lost in a sea of crimson that shined between a pair of glasses. Quickly he regained his senses. Though years of rivalry and friendship enabled them to get comfortable with each other, the Gym Leader still felt on guard when it comes to her and her specifically.  Well, both her and that unruly best friend of hers. But Bede knew Gloria’s case was a much more…delicate matters of the heart.

 Ugh. Slowly sucking in a breath, he walked towards her. At every step, he could feel the excitement of his Pokémon from inside their balls. It seems that he wasn’t the only one who formed such a friendship with the Champion.  “Gloria.” He stopped in front of her. His height hovered tall and proud before her, but not once did Gloria ever feel threatened by his presence.  What he found as offensive before, now he thought of it as sheer relief.  Crimson eyes looked up at the Fairy-specialist. “I’m so glad you could make it!” Excitement bubbled all too obviously, yet Gloria toned down her glee in fear that she might make a fool of herself. Merely flashing a smile next, the young woman continued to focus on her camp.  Why was he here?  Right, he grumbled inwardly, you know damn why, you stupid mind. ---  It was a few days back. They had their daily spars with the other gym leaders. Gloria as usual stomped each match despite using the exact same team she had been using since the first day she was crowned Champion. Many leaders thought they had the upper-hand for learning and studying her battle tactics and her Pokémon’s battle techniques. But no matter the research, the outcome would always vary with the only thing being the same is her victory.  But what he thought was a normal day immediately burned to the ground when he bumped into her in the prep room.  She was sweaty and hot—figuratively—when he saw her. The Champion outfit stuck close to her body, absolutely complimenting every curve and taut muscle a 20-year old would achieve from rigorous trainings. The dark hair was in slight disarray, still short as she liked it, and Gloria heaved a heavy sigh as she raked through the black strands backwards.  Bede felt pathetic to feel breathless on the spot.  Once their eyes met, he remembered flinching. He also remembered her asking how his day was. His answer was curt, simple. Though challenging, his eye contact was sorely focused on her mesmerizing irises rather than the supple curve of her breasts. How demeaning, he chastised himself, for ogling at her body like some sick freak.  It was then that remembered saying something that sounded like a dumfounded, “Yes?”  And this caused Gloria to chime in both nerves and excitement when she continued with, “Great! I’ll see you there!” ---  And now…here he was.  He was an idiot.  A fucking idiot. Opal would never forgive him for raising such a dumb, idiotic pervert. Stop! He shook his head. He was not dumb! He was not an idiot! And he definitely was not a pervert! Bede knew better than to treat humans like tools or trash. As bitter as he was when he was a teenager, at least the Gym Leader was thankful to have some morals embedded into him.  And yet…  The memory of her body sent shivers down his spine.  “Bede! Come on! I need help!”  “Arceus save me…” He really needed to make it up and apologized to Gloria somehow without offending her in the process. ---  He was here! He was here!  She couldn’t believe he accepted her invitation! Granted, it was a long shot. Gloria was more than ready to suck it up and wallow in Lake of Outrage if she ever got rejected. She was at lost on how to make it subtle and obvious about her feelings for him.  Tea time? They always had that twice every month. Sparring sessions? Had that nearly every week. Gym Battle season? Arceus forbids if she ever had time for herself at all.  Ever since he took the official status as Ballonlea’s gym leader 3 years back, Gloria was a bit…iffy that she couldn’t spend time with him other than battling or Pokémon context. The last time they ever had time alone together was when they celebrated his victory for holding the mantle as the 8th and final gym leader last year.  He was getting stronger. And prettier.  And it sucked that their raging popularity disabled them from having a normal outing whatsoever that involved them and only them. It was easy hanging out with Hop since the young man now studied and worked in Wedgehurst. Hell, it was even easier hanging out with Marnie since the woman lived in the growingly popular Spikemouth. Despite the fact that Bede lived in peaceful Ballonlea, only an idiot would just rush to his front door and blatantly go, “Hey! I like you! Wanna hang out and do nothing since I feel comfortable around you?”  She was a moron.  A lucky moron, though.  Building up all the courage she collected since last week, Gloria finally blurted out her camping plans this weekend and finally—with a rapid heartbeat—asked him if he would like to join her little camping trip. Alone. With her.  Now that she thought about it, anyone would take it as a joke, especially from the snarkiest person in Galar.  Never thought he would accept it, much to her pleasant surprise.  Now here she was, crouching in front of a bunch of stacked logs, staring at the wood like a dumb Wobbuffet. What do I do? What do I do? Clearly, she didn’t think this through. She may have had two days to prepare herself, physically and mentally, but overestimation clearly played her hard when the target of her affection actually showed up.  Bulk up, Gloria! She scolded herself, palms giving a few slaps before mouth huffing out air. “Okay.” She talked to herself. To the logs. “I can do this. Just…hang out. Talk to him. Have a nice camping trip with him and hopefully…hopefully…” A gulp slid down her throat. “I can get a chance to confess to him.” ---  Easier said than done.  Luckily, they were so used to each other’s silence that he managed to prop up his tent with ease. The noises from their Pokémon were quite helpful too. The moment Bede released his team, Gloria’s Pokémon greeted them with such loud—very loud—exuberance. Her Cinderace started hopping and bouncing in glee in front of his Hatterene, seconds before Gloria’s own Hatterene butted in and snarled in what he assumed was jealousy at his own surprised starter.  His Mawile could be seen playing tag with his Sylveon and Gloria’s Corviknight and Hydreigon. A Toxtricity—Gaara, he remembered her calling him—was seen talking to his Gardevoir who looked like she actually enjoyed his company. Violet eyes turned to the very Champion, now accompanied by her Runerigus who was stirring whatever was in the boiling pot.  A smile unwarily curled the corners of his mouth. If he didn’t know any better, it looked as if he was a husband fawning over his wife and lively child—  Stop.  Immediately and quickly he shook his head, which he then groaned in regret at the sudden dizziness that he conjured up by accident. ---  “Hey Gloria.”  She looked to his side, head tilted slightly to match his height. “Yeah?” Swallowing once, she took another bite of her apple curry. The two sat on the grassy field, observing the very wonderful view of Hammerlocke. The edge of Lake of Outrage was dangerously high. One wrong step and it could be the end for any human or Pokémon. While the two trainers knew there was a huge ocean that blanketed underneath the cliff, none wouldn’t dare to try out the theory on whether or not anyone could survive from such a scary impact.  Besides that, the view was spectacular, though.  “I’ve been meaning to ask.”  Gulp! Oh shoot, here comes her nervousness.  But alas, a sigh of relief silently peeped between pursed lips when he continued, “Why did you choose to camp out at Lake of Outrage?”  “Oh?” She swallowed again. Phew… “Well, for starters, I really like the view. Hammerlocke at night is so breath-taking at night.” She was thankful to have found out that little information by accident during one of her campouts.  He chuckled. “You said ‘at night’ twice.”  Pink dusted her cheeks. “Well, you know what I mean!” Lower lip jutted at the little tease. Pushing her glasses properly back to the bridge of her nose, Gloria harrumphed lightly and continued her meal.  Cute.  Unbeknownst to her, her actions right now was a strike to his heart.  Calm down, me! “True.” He shrugged once, then tore his gaze away—hesitantly—to bask on the view before them. “But isn’t this place crawling with powerful Pokémon? I’m not judging your team’s strength or anything. But it seems like hardly a place for any trainer to think, ‘Hey, what a great place to camp out and hopefully not get mauled by a wild Pokémon!’”  He peeked once he heard a grunt.  “I’m still alive, aren’t I?” She jutted her tongue—by Arceus, she was killing him—and brushed away the bangs that hovered across her forehead. “Besides—”  ‘Woohoo! I got another one!’  ‘No fair! Best two outta three!’  The Gym Leader jumped at the Pokémon’s exuberant cheer, while Gloria herself only giggled in amusement. Quickly they turned around, only to see a happy Cinderace hopping above a pile of fainted wild Pangoros and Skuntanks.  What the ever-loving hell? Bede remained in stupor when he saw the Champion’s Toxtricity crossing his arms in distaste—all the while standing in front of a pile of fainted wild Grimmsnarls and Pangoros himself.  Ah. Like an idiot he stared, merely gaped even as the two chaotic Pokémon spread out back in the field for their little game.  Looks like his question was answered. ---  “Thank you so much for bringing the desserts!” Cheeks warmed in pink at the succulent taste on her tongue. “Please tell Ms Opal that they’re divine!” She could still taste the cream in her mouth. It was a pity that there weren’t any left, but Gloria was more than happy to see her team enjoying the treats just the same.  Hell, she even had to break the fight between Starlight and Gaara for the last cupcake.  It was a shame that Ares beat them to it. Oh well, the Cinderace asked for it as he ended up being chased by both Hatterene and Toxtricity.  Pride swelled up to hear endless compliments from the woman. In truth, he actually baked all the cupcakes. While it was true that the desserts were Ms Opal’s recipe, he did most of the shopping and baking in order to impress her. How could he ever forget Ms Opal’s knowing smirk as he said he wanted to bake the treats for their campout.  Arceus, if the oven ran out of heat to burn the cupcakes at that time, Bede knew the blush in his face would be enough to suffice.  Would he tell her that he baked them? No. As much as he craved for her compliments to rain down upon him, Bede figured it would be nice to let Ms Opal get the spotlight.  He knew the old woman would spill the beans anyways when Gloria paid her next visit to Ballonlea.  “I’ll tell her that.” For now, the sight of her smile was sweet enough. ---  Night time finally blanketed the sky above. True to her word, Hammerlocke truly provided such a breath-taking view once the sun was out. Thankfully, it didn’t rain. The moon was a crescent gleam tonight, so this allowed the stars to shine and sparkle their magnificence for the world to see.  “Man…” When he was a teenager, Bede was never one to look up at the stars. He was so used to looking down. To looking at his own feet. And when he did look up, the poor boy only saw broken rooftops or monstrously tall buildings. He was never one to admire nature. It was only that he lived in Ballonlea that Bede sometimes cherished the peaceful moments under the soft, soothing glow of the mystical town.  “Beautiful, isn’t it?”  Violet eyes turned to the lady next to him.  The hair was in its usual disarray, despite having it combed backwards many times after her bath in the lake. The pyjama she wore was…cute and elegant to say the least. Red and black never strayed as her choice of fashion. A splash of red here and a swirl of black there made the attire to look somewhat…passionate.  If not for the fact that a cute Cinderace icon was stitched on its back, Bede would definitely find her alluring.  …  ………  Okay. He lied. She’s alluring still even in those damn Cinderace jammies.  Her eyes never strayed from the blanket of beauty. The glasses shined faintly under the lovely glow. It only intensified the colour of red iris. It only allowed him to be enraptured by such fiery elegance.  “Yeah…” he mumbled softly. “Beautiful…”  Before she could look at him and ask about anything else, Bede quickly brought his gaze back to the stars. ---  “Well,” She stretched, “it’s getting way dark. I think it’s high-time we call it a night.” Palms pressed together and placed under her chin, Gloria looked at the silent man. Bede talked a lot during their conversation—which was expected—but to obtain silence now was a bit…unnerving.  Was this how people felt every time she remained silent at a certain topic?  None said a word next, for eyes moved to the tents that were positioned side by side. The gap between the tents and the cliffs were many steps apart, but honestly, that wasn’t the distance that Gloria felt nervous about right now.  Violet met crimson. Pink and red dusted and swirled so adorably.  “Yeah…” He needed to be convincing. “Yeah!” That’s better. He thought.  Taking a sharp breath, he looked at the short Champion. “I’ll see you later in the morning.” A mask of indifference was worn nicely on his face. He saw the hesitance, the unknown emotion that flickered in her eyes. If he was selfish, just selfish enough, Bede would think that those eyes meant—  He shook his head. “Goodnight, Gloria.” His body felt warm. His fists clenched behind his face.  A weak smile pulled her lips. “Goodnight, Bede—”  ‘GLORIA, WATCH OUT!’  Just when they were lost in their melancholic moment, it burst just like a balloon when they heard the loud chirp. Before any of them could react, a raging ball of fire zipped right between them.  Right into Bede’s tent.  Right towards the edge of the cliff.  BOOM!!!  An explosion actually made both jump from shock. Pupils shot to tiny dots. Heartbeats formed a maniacal pace. Everything happened too fast. Very fast. Both adults remained in pure stupefaction in their place. One had their baffled gaze at the Cinderace who was now cowardly hiding behind Hilda. One had a face of sheer, utter, bewilderment at the lack of tent and sprinkles of ashes.  “M-My…” Jaw dropped so low he could attract Ninjasks. “M-My…My…”  Fury now fuelled within the Champion, along with shame and regret that were quickly switched as she looked at Bede and her starter. “ARES!” She wasn’t one to raise her voice. If anything, people could say Gloria was ‘The Divine Champion’ for radiating an air of passion and grace.  Not tonight, though.  Ares merely tugged his ears downwards and crouched behind the sighing Corviknight once he heard a very fuming, very piercing, “What. Did. You. DO!” ---  She wanted to jump off a cliff.  The cliff was there, so the option was really whether she was ready to throw herself without risking being saved and scolded by her entire team.  For something that had transpired in an hour, Gloria felt like it was a long, long, long, night. Finally, after constant apologies from her and her starter, Bede finally forgave Ares—Just Ares. He figured Gloria had no fault in this except maybe the damn Scorbunny as her starter. She felt absolutely guilty, and she would feel even worse if she knew Bede was sleeping outside in the cold.  So of course the next option was to offer him his tent while she slept outside. Which he of course rejected because what kind of bastard would he be to let a woman sleep outside?  Finally, after an emotional brainstorming, the both decided to sleep in her tent. Together. Alone. Together.  Alone.  Gulp!  It seems the heat in her stomach wouldn’t disappear anytime soon. Her back faced his the moment she lay down. And she knew his back was facing hers as well as he looked at the other side.  Was he asleep? She didn’t know. Was she asleep? Of course not! Her mind was a Tangela of messes. Both arms curled and pressed against her chest, between her breasts. Breathing was in and out, calmly, forcefully. Another gulp slid down for Arceus knows how many times tonight.  She felt nervous. She felt guilty. She felt…oh damn she did not want to admit the other thing she was feeling right now.  “Sorry…”  The word slipped out before she could stop himself. She felt him fidget, and she didn’t dare to turn around. ---  While she battled her emotions, he had a battle of his own.  Here he was, lying in the same tent as her. Lying down next to her. Although Bede firmly declined and rejected her very offer to sleep in the same tent together, he would only lie to himself if it wasn’t…absolutely thrilled to share the same room as her.  “Please!” She convinced, palm roughly pressed against each other as she pleaded. “I promise it won’t be weird! I promise I’ll payback the tent that Ares burned down!”  He was fine with the latter. He just wasn’t…entirely fine with the former.  He was sure she wouldn’t be the reason for them being weird in a tent together.  But alas, she managed to convince him. It wasn’t much of a discussion anyways. As much as Bede tried to be sane about the subject, he was anything but when it comes to her.  And now, here he was, wide awake at the thought of his rival and long-time target of affection sleeping right next to him.  So close. So quiet.  Should he say something? He’s supposed to be asleep. Should he wait for her to say something? She was already asleep—  “Sorry…”  Well, guessed not.  His head tilted slightly, body still remained on his left side. He peeked as Gloria moved in her place, showing signs of guilt and nervousness.  A sigh slipped out. “Don’t be.” He looked at the clothed wall of the tent. Arms crossed tightly against his chest. Uncomfortable as he may be, Bede was too afraid to unfold himself just in case he suddenly felt…twitchy.  Silence lulled inside the tent for a few minutes. “Still…” She was at lost. “And…thank you. A lot.” Air held back behind pursed lips, Gloria slowly turned around. “Not just for forgiving Ares and me. But for today.” Hands still cupped closely to her chest. Seeing that he wasn’t about to turn anytime soon—much to her dismay—Gloria finally faced him. “I’m happy that you decided to have camp with me. I’m happy that you brought desserts and talked to about so many things. Honestly I—” She stopped. Hesitant.  He merely listened in nervous anticipation.  Crimson eyes that were free from glasses now stared at the tall man lying before her. “Bede…”  Her voice sent shivers on his skin. Her warmth seeped right into his body.  She noticed.  Dup-dap, dup-dap! The beat of one’s heart echoed in the tent. Was it hers? Was it his?  “Bede…” She tried again, lips quivered as she let out a shaky sigh. “Why…Why did you agree to camp out here with me today?”  It was a silly question. A childish one. One needn’t a valid reason to agree to her campout. He simply wanted to hang out with her. He simply wanted to catch up and talk about random stuff with her. He simply wanted to unwind from the public and get some fresh air, and she was an excuse for it.  He wanted to say all of them. Any of them.  Instead, he opted for the truth.  “I…” Eyes squinted shut, Bede released a sigh he didn’t know he held back. Arms tightened across his chest, he finally flipped and turned to face her.  Only mistake here was: neither anticipated the close distance.  They were a short breath away. The tip of her nose almost his own. Crimson eyes met a pair of dazzling violets. Both were at lost for words. Both mirrored each other by the shade of red on their faces.  Their hands were close to each other’s respective chests. None moved a muscle. None said a word.  Her eyes then gleamed the emotion he wouldn’t dare to guess hours ago.  The unspeakable emotion was back in her eyes. Hotter. Clearer. Drawing him breathless.  “I care you,” was all he responded, mouth then gaped at the foolish sentence he had ever muttered.  Heat burned straight to the tips of his ears. Having almost a clear mind to just bolt out of the tent and never to see her again, Bede instead froze in his place once he felt her palm, so warm and loving, on his left cheek.  Her smile became the answer to his doubts.

[coffee-fueled-weeb-witch]

Write Your Witchcraft (#37)

All of the questions

1-4 answered  |  5-8 answered  |  9-12 answered  |  13-16 answered  |  17-20 answered  |  21-24 answered  |  25-28 answered  |  29-32 answered  |  33-36 answered 

37. Who do I honor (ex: deities, ancestors, myself, etc), and how do I, or would I like to, honor them?

At the moment I work with Athena, Hermes, Hades, Persephone, Apollo, Artemis, and recently also started working a bit with Ares and Hephaestus.  I’ve also had a little bit of experience, though not much, with Hestia and Dionysus thanks to one of my best and closest friends working with them.  Now, since there’s quite a few of them, I’ll start with what I do for all of them and then I’ll go into more specific things for each one.

In general I have a playlist for each of the gods I work with and then there’s two others- a playlist for Hades and Persephone together and one for Hermes, Apollo, and Dionysus together (If you guys are interested I could make a post with links to said playlists).  I’m also in a small coven on discord, consisting of me and my friends, and there I have a channel for each of them that I use as virtual alters.  Another thing I do is sit and work out a sigil for each individual god that I can use if I feel I am struggling to connect to them or to help dedicate something to them.  Now I’ll get into the individual things- which I tend to work most with Athena, Hermes, Hades, and Persephone, so I’ll probably be listing a bit more for them than the others right now.

Athena

I am always studying and trying to learn about a variety of new things and often dedicate my research and reading time to her.

When in stressful situations with conflicts brewing I try to remain calm and keep a level head, sometimes asking for her help with this as I try to think things through rationally and work on a solution.

Whenever my friends need help understanding something or finding information I do my best to teach and guide them, sharing whatever wisdom and knowledge of my own that I can and helping them find more because Athena encourages me to do so and like her I too enjoy sharing my knowledge.

I have a nice little amethyst gemstone that I dedicated to her and I always have it close by.

I do my best to protect others and have become fairly skilled in protection magick, and when I feel a situation calls for it I will ask for Athena’s protection or for her to help me be able to protect those I care for or am trying to help.

I have a small, white owl statue on my nightstand that used to belong to my grandmother.  Because of Athena’s connection to owls, I put it there for her- though it’s so old and fragile it’s literally slowly crumbling into a powdery dust, so I’ll need to replace it sometime sadly.

I also like to dedicate my crafting and jewelry making time to Athena.

Hermes

Since he is connected to Wednesdays and has a lot to do with languages, every Wednesday I spend at least an hour working on my Japanese and I often ask him to help me understand things I struggle with or remember certain things.  After I will usually watch anime that involves something he is associated with in some way or I think he may like himself.

I usually offer him some of morning coffee and thank him for helping me out with various things and even just being there.

When I’m getting over stressed and know I need to lighten up I take a step back and try to have more fun and remind myself that I don’t need to be serious all the time, that like Hermes I can just have fun.

On really low energy days for me I tend to binge watch vine and meme compilations on youtube and dedicate that to him.

Hermes encourages me to not be so embarrassed and afraid of being laughed at,  so I’ve been letting myself become more... well, myself.  If someone wants to call me cringey for being weird or chaotic, then they can.  I’m having fun and being myself and my boi Hermes is right there cheering me on, so fuck anyone who doesn’t like it!!  In other words, he helps me a lot with being less afraid to be myself and being comfortable acting like a deranged little crackhead goblin and just enjoying myself- so for him I like to just love myself and let go of worrying about what others think of me.

Hades

I love spending time researching death practices and beliefs over the years and in different cultures, so I dedicate that time to Hades.  I also put a lot of time into learning as much as I can about spirit work and death witchcraft which I’ve been getting more interested in since working with him.

When I find someone or see a friend who is struggling and seriously considering death to be their solution I try my best to help them.  I’ve personally lost someone to suicide and it’s something I don’t want anyone else to experience.  I’ve also had a few interaction with the spirit of the one who passed and spent a lot of time helping him work through the emotions he had and get to a point where he was more at peace and not hating himself for what he had done.  Since then I’ve also come to learn and understand that it genuinely saddens Hades and Persephone both to see how many young people end up cutting their own lives so short, so for me doing what I can to help those people is so important for so many reasons.

As I said I lost someone I loved dearly, so at times when that starts to weight on me or when my own depression’s getting to be a little hard to deal with I often turn to Hades for comfort and help in getting through it.  He is very much like a father figure to me, which I no longer have anything to do with my real dad, so it helps a lot to be able to turn to him for help and guidance when I’m struggling.

I like to leave him little offerings when I can and so far have found that he really enjoys the dark chocolate I give him.

I always make sure to thank him for helping me and also for watching over the souls of those who passed.  It makes him really happy and he appreciates it so much.

Persephone

A lot of the things I do for Hades I also do for Persephone, so I won’t repeat all of them again.

For years I’ve struggled with dealing with toxic people who had me convinced I could only be one thing, that I was the reserved and quiet friend, I was always mature, I didn’t goof off as much, I loved darker things and horror and thus could only love those things and behave in a certain way, but Persephone has been helping me understand that this is not true and I can express my softer, more goofy and childish nature.  I can be dark and spooky, but I can also be soft and sweet.  She is both a Goddess of Spring and Queen of the Underworld- if she can be these two opposite things, then so can I.  So similar to Hermes, I like to practice self-love and acceptance for Persephone.

I also like to give her small offerings when I can, which she seemed to really enjoy the marshmallow peep I gave her!  

This is one I also do for both Hades and Persephone, and because I know how difficult it can be- when I know someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one, I try my best to offer them comfort and just be there for them.

Apollo

I like to dedicate the time I spend drawing to him and when I’m experiencing a lot of artists block I’ll ask him to please help me overcome it or help me find some form of inspiration.

When I start to feel a bit sick I’ll often ask him for a little extra help in feeling better, alongside Artemis.

When my insomnia’s so bad that I’ve ended up staying awake all night I like to take a moment to just sit and listen to music while watching the sunrise.  Likewise, in the evenings when the sun is sinking and the light comes in the window I love to just close my eyes and relax as I let it wash over me and thank Apollo for the brightness and warmth, and for being there.

I often scream-sing along with songs that remind me of him.

I also remember reading that Apollo watches over the decomposing bodies of those who died and graveyards, so I like to thank him for that.

Artemis

I’ve always been a night owl and have always had a love for the moon and stars, so when I can I like to just sit and listen to music and the sounds of the night while looking at the dark sky as I think over the day and will sometimes just talk to Artemis and tell her how things are going and stuff like that.

Like I said before I sometimes ask her and Apollo for help if I’m starting to feel sick.

I actually found a really nice set on imvu for Artemis, so my friend helped me get the outfit for her.

Ares

I haven’t been working with Ares for very long yet, so so far there isn’t nearly as much for me to share.  So far, aside from making a playlist, sigil, and virtual altar for him, I’ve been trying to stand up for myself more and he has definitely been helping me to do this.  I may write a post actually talking about my most recent and strongest experience working with him.

I’ve also always tried my best to stand up for others (honestly better at it than I am standing up for myself), so now I also consider this another thing I can do for Ares and that I feel he greatly approves of.  

Hephaestus

Like Ares I haven’t been working with Hephaestus for very long, so I again don’t have much a whole lot to list yet.  Still, one thing I’ve been sort of dedicating to him is the time I’m spending learning how to wire wrap gemstones.  It’s not exactly the same as being a blacksmith, but still sort of involves working with metal and crafting and he’s enjoyed me sharing my progress with him and how hard I’m working to learn this new skill despite my disability making it a bit difficult for me.

I’ve also been trying to love myself more for Hephaestus when it comes to my disability.  I’ve grown up constantly being made to feel like an inconvenience, a burden, and a waste of time, but help from my friends, my boyfriend, and recently Hephaestus, I’ve gradually been working to overcome the negative thoughts and beliefs that were carved into me.

Well, that’s all I can think of typing for this one- I’ve normally been doing this write your witchcraft thing four questions at a time, but since it took me so long to fully answer this one question I decided to just do this one.  

[theramseyloft]

hey there, found your blog through a friend. ive been scanning your blog and patreon, and i felt like reaching out because, well... you're basically living my dream life, haha. i would love to do work like you do, rehabbing birds and training them, especially as companions/aids for disabled folks. pretty amazing! do you mind if i ask how you got started? is it an expensive venture? do you own farmland or live in a suburban area? im gonna send this before i take up too much of your time, haha. :)

I have raised ALL kinds of animals, but it was rats that lead me to pigeons.

I’ve had fish, herps, and inverts most of my life, so the way rats, mice, and Gerbils were able to bond with me felt really special.

Rats being the most intelligent and cooperatively social

When I had to stop raising small mammals, I wanted a pet that would similarly enjoy handling. Like, be happy/excited to see me when I got home, more than just wanting out.

Warm blooded, but non mammalian left birds.

Psitticines are wild animals that have needs WAY beyond our capability to meet, so they are all firmly on the no list.

I enjoyed Zebra finches, but my husband and I are sound sensitive, and he finds their song physically painful.

We can’t have chickens where we live...

Ringneck Doves ticked all the boxes for what I needed in a companion bird:

Docile/tractable Small/easy to house Easy to feed Physically incapable of biting or making painfully high pitched noises.

Turns out I was wrong about that last one! That’s pigeons. XD

We learned this with our first ringneck: An ANCIENT rescue and his wife named Nigel.

What a story those birds had!

My dear hubby was dubious about letting me raise another species, but after some shared research, was ok with me fostering some unwanted ones and finding them a new home.

I found them on Craig’s list, with cage and all.

When we went to pick them up, their owners explained that they had been unwanted, but traditional wedding gifts they felt they couldn’t refuse.

Ten years later, their owners had long ago gotten tired of caring for them, and just wanted them gone.

Their parents had purchased the pair when they retired from a magic show, and had had them as long as the couple could remember.

Having since sold white ringneck doves to magicians, I’ve learned that a trained dove retires between five and ten years of age, depending on temperament.

The parents were reported to have owned them for 15-20 years.

And the owners we picked them up from had had them for ten.

Making this pair of white Ringneck doves at LEAST 30 years old.

After this history, the wife brought them for us to take.

They were in a filthy black finch cage that had been left on their owner’s back porch long enough for a colony of fire ants to bring their own dirt and build a camp-nest in the bottom.

The birds were actively being swarmed and stung.

It took me a full thirty minutes to pull all of them off the two ancient doves...

It was touch and go for a bit, but they pulled through, and we found a home for the hen.

The cock, Nigel, had a twisted beak and the WORST coo!

High pitched and severely nasal, it could bore into your brain through ear plugs. >v<

He LOVED us, though, and liked to sing us the song of his people! At random. On Mike’s shoulder, directly into his ear.  All hours of the night. During the day, up where we couldn’t reach him. Even through trying to shoo him off his favorite perch...

He had SO much personality, and even though his song caused both of us severe physical pain and prevented us from sleeping, we could not help growing to dearly love him back.

Mere weeks after my Dear Hubby decided he wanted Nigel to spend the rest of his life with us, his time ran out.

He passed very suddenly, in our arms.

We mourned him. Lamented having so little time.

And we considered where to go from there.

We decided to find a breeder, so we could get little peeps and have the maximum amount of time with what felt like the perfect pet for us.

I had no idea they could be parent raised and still be tame, so I raised that first pair like I had my Zebra finches in College.

We took them home just feathered enough to keep warm and fed them formula.

Gordon and Sasami were those babies.

And they were such a delight, we wanted nothing more than to share with the world how wonderful hand raised dove could be.

So I got the Dear hubby’s permission to seek out more breeding pair.

Between what I could buy and what I could raise, we ended up with 8, and then eventually 16 pair.

There was not much knowledge about keeping them as house pets, or their behavior, beyond what it took to get them to reproduce.

It was common at the time, and still is, to treat Ringneck Doves like small pigeons: Keeping them in large decorative flocks in an out door pen.

It was only through raising the young of my 16 pairs and letting them grow out free flying in the middle room of my home that I learned that these long since domesticated birds could be tamed through socialization from a young age, like a puppy. 

But more importantly; just how vehemently anti-social they are!

One or two Ringneck Doves can be perfectly happy in an enclosure, but there should NEVER be more than two in any space where they can make physical contact!!!

They are VICIOUSLY territorial!

Every pair NEEDS to be an an individual enclosure, with ABSOLUTELY no way to make physical contact with any other bird, including and especially their own weanlings!

The second even their own peeps are fully self feeding, the parents start to mercilessly attack them, hell bent of driving out what they now see as an intruder invading their space and stealing their food and food from their future babies at any cost, up to and including killing them!

The actual Bird of Peace is the Rock Dove: the wild ancestor of the domestic Pigeon.

Two years after I started breeding doves, I started showing them. You can really only show doves in their own section of pigeon shows, and after seeing all the beautiful variation in pigeons, I was smitten. 

I brought home my first pigeon egg from my second show: a Portuguese tumbler hen laid it in her show cage, and I was shocked to find that breeders usually just threw those away.

Pugsly was hatched by a pair of doves, and he was amazing.

Friendly, outgoing to the point of being obnoxious, adorably, delightfully funny.

SO much more personable than the doves!

At another show, I picked up some Classic Old Frills.

Them some Old German Owls a year later.

Then some Old dutch Capuchine.

The more breeds I worked with, the more fascinated I became with the differences in the temperaments of different breeds, and the more I found I enjoyed working with the pigeons.

I knew we had used pigeons for lots of interesting studies.

Like this one about the development of heart disease!

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2006/07/060729133950.htm

This one, using training tosses of urban homing pigeons wearing special back packs to monitor lead pollution

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2016/07/160719144733.htm

But these using their natural pattern recognition as a diagnostic tool for human diseases:

https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/pigeons-can-spot-breast-cancer-medical-images-180957323/?utm_source=facebook.com&no-ist

https://www.audubon.org/news/how-common-street-bird-could-coach-doctors-against-bad-diagnosis

Led me to finding this article.

https://www.audubon.org/news/the-origins-our-misguided-hatred-pigeons

And it hit me like a ton of bricks: 

Pigeons are not native to North America.

European settlers and immigrants brought them.

They had already been domesticated for thousands of years by then.

There is no such thing as a Wild pigeon in North America.

They are the avian equivalent of the street dog problem in Mexico: 

Generations of domesticated animals entirely dependent on human hand outs or left overs for survival, with no shelters to take them in or sterilization programs to prevent more unwanted individuals from being born into a hostile environment that can’t support their numbers.

As long as I have bred any species of animal, I have been active in rescue, rehabilitation, fostering, and finding homes for unwanted individuals of that species.

For me, the two just go hand in hand.

I started volunteering for the local wildlife rehab as soon as I started breeding, initially using my domestic doves (that will raise absolutely anything) to foster orphaned Mourning and Eursadian Collared Doves: hoping to prevent them from bonding to me so that they could be soft released.

When it became known that I raised pigeons, I started getting calls for them too.

Ankhou was the first that needed really hands on care.

He arrived with a baby Mourning dove.

He and it were both recent orphans. 

The wild native dove baby is well muscled, and the appropriate size for its age.

Ankhou, at 4 weeks old, should have looked like Pippin:

You can pretty accurately compare the difference between rehabbing a Mourning Dove and a Pigeon with the difference between rehabbing a grey fox kit and a stray puppy.

Like a grey fox, the Mourning dove is a native wild animal. It is absolutely vital to keep direct human interaction to the absolute minimum because developing a dependence on and friendliness towards humans will get them killed.

Either immediately and out right by hunters, or more slowly through malnutrition.

Puppies are not expected to survive in the wild, and absolutely NO rescuer would raise a puppy they found behind a garbage can or in a dumpster to weaning and nurse it to health only to dump it right back in the ally.

So I absolutely REFUSE to abandon a rescued pigeon by dumping it right back on the street it barely escaped from with its life and it honestly sickens me how many pigeon rescues advocate doing exactly that to any pigeon that doesn’t look purebred or fancy enough.

Feral Pigeons not being wild animals, and being an INTENSELY social and touch oriented species, it would not only not have been beneficial, but out right cruel not to interact with tiny, emaciated Ankhou.

Ankhou was going to take a VERY long time to catch up on enough of his development to safely find a home, so we ended up adopting instead of fostering him.

I spent a lot of time holding and talking to him, and he bonded so closely to me that the became sensitive to my anxiety attacks and started alerting for them.

He also started responding appropriately to requests, as if he actually understood them.

He had pretty severe separation anxiety, and if I stepped into the quarantine room to deal with a bird that might be ill, he would panic the moment his line of sight was interrupted.

If, however, I took the time to tell him “Ankhou, I need to go into quarantine. I will be back. Wait here.”, he would sit down in front of the door and wait quietly until I came back out with sterile hands.

This got me curious, and I started researching pigeon social and cognitive development.

As it turns out, they have a shockingly human society.

A pigeon flock is a large, extended family of birds. 

Young birds don’t split off when they wean. They join the flock, forming a close knit friend group among the other weanlings from whom they will select mates as adults and with whom they will learn to find food, water, and nest materials and what to do with those.

Very like human children moving out of their parents’ house and forming bonds among their peers.

Pigeon society is an efficient democratic meritocracy.

Communication on the wing is INCREDIBLY efficient

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2015/06/150609213053.htm

They vote on nearly EVERYHTING

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/04/100416214045.htm

And if a leader proves to be ineffective, or a navigator inaccurate, the flock can and will vote to demote them.

https://www.audubon.org/news/in-homing-pigeon-flocks-bad-bosses-quickly-get-demoted

Pigeons are absolutely CRAZY-Smart!

Pigeons are capable of high level cognition. https://www.sciencedaily.com/releas…/2009/…/090212141143.htm

To the extent that they understand the concepts of space and time! https://www.sciencedaily.com/releas…/2017/…/171204144805.htm

They are self-aware enough to distinguish themselves from other pigeons, able to recognize themselves in photos, video, and mirrors AND differentiate between the three. https://www.sciencedaily.com/releas…/2008/…/080613145535.htm

Their brains are wired SHOCKINGLY similarly to ours: https://www.sciencedaily.com/releas…/2013/…/130717095336.htm

They categorize things and learn the equivalent of words the same way human toddlers do!

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releas…/2014/…/140402095107.htm https://www.sciencedaily.com/releas…/2015/…/150204184447.htm

They can even learn to read written language well enough to differentiate between a real word and an acronym with the same number of letters.

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releas…/2016/…/160919111535.htm

They are pattern mapping social learners.  Exactly like we are!

Building on this list of scientific studies, I started to experiment with teaching  each successive generation of the resident pigeons to understand the basics of verbal communication by the same mechanic as one would a toddler.

And in just the last two years with Ankhou, I have learned that they can literally learn to understand both spoken AND written human language, and literally all it takes is talking to a pigeon as if it is a nonverbal human toddler who does not know that word yet to be able to teach them to understand object words, action words, emotion words, names, and locations.

Pigeons are pets you can literally communicate to in your native language.

It is absolutely amazing!

Ankhou was not trained to alert for my anxiety attacks.

He literally did that AND started alerting me for blood sugar spikes entirely on his own.

Not even a pigeon hatched in a human house hold. A feral.

No special genetics. No training what so ever. 

Just a pigeon being a pigeon: bonding with what he considered a flock mate, and getting worried when he noticed something was wrong.

Which made me wonder: What would happen if specific traits conducive to bonding with humans and being sensitive to their emotional state were selected for in a population?

What if those birds were given at least basic communication training? On top of the matching we already do by temperament.

I’m actually working on documenting our finances and plan to discuss them in more detail at the end of the month.

Just taking in rescues to foster is an expensive process.

You need to have quarantine space that keeps new birds as completely separated from your residents as possible.

You need a vet who is either experienced with or willing to learn to treat pigeons. Each new bird will need, at absolute least, a fecal test for parasites.

You need to have dip on hand for external parasites, and the funds to buy what ever wormer, anti fungal, antibiotic, or anintimicrobial is required to treat what ever the fecal exam turns up.

Which could legitimately be all of the above, as I have had one individual come in with two species of lice, two species of intestinal worms, coccidiosis, AND salmonella, all at the same time. I have had several others come in with Trich or thrush in place of or in addition to the coccidia or salmonella.

Most will come in malnourished or injured on top of being sick and/or parasitized.

You REALLY have to plan for the worst with rescues.

Because taking in animals you cannot house or feed or for whom you are unable to provide the necessary medical care is NOT rescuing them.

It is subjecting them to the exact neglect that rescuers intend to save them from.

It is REALLY easy for big hearted people to find themselves overwhelmed and exhausted trying to save every one, and that is something every one who wants to rescue needs to keep in mind for the sake of their health as much as the quality of their care.

I live in a trailer park in Ga, on a little plot of land just big enough to say I have a front and back yard.

The modest inheritance my parents left me and my sister when they passed funded the loft being built, and my husband’s job pays for what ever daily maintenance and veterinary care that bird and harness sales and my Patreon can’t cover.

It was designed around comfort and disease prevention for them and pain management for me. It really makes my day to know that people have enough interest in my work to ask detailed questions!

It’s a bit of a bear for an autistic woman with ADHD to get to a bunch of them all at once, but I still REALLY want to hear them and am THRILLED to get to answer!

It’s easier for me to answer in detail if I can focus on one question at a time, though.

There is absolutely no limit to the number I am willing to answer, so don’t be afraid to flood my inbox with a ton of individual questions. ^v^

[taramaclaywasaterf]

:( man. The terf hate thing doesn't bother me most of the time but like. When u see a group of people who you like/ consider to be thoughtful people/ admire for their activism say these things.... Like I'm scared to talk about it but I'm sure (n this has happened many times before) that if u have a convo w anti terf peeps but make sure to use the correct™ genderist language they'll agree w us. Idk this just really sucks and I wish they could see things as they are. How do you deal with this?

Honey I really wish I had an answer. I 1000% know what you’re talking about. I wish I could say there was some magic way to not let it bother you, but I can’t. I CAN say though that it gets a lot easier. Like, I don’t bat an eye at people telling me to get raped or kill myself or whatever in my inbox anymore. I actually kinda find it amusing lol. And if it’s not on anon, I’ll just go report the person who sent it and then block them, because they’re not worth my time. But what gets me sometimes is the same thing you talked about. When it’s people I thought would be smart enough to, ya know, not defend literal grown ass men putting on tutus and calling themselves 5 year old girls named, like, Vixxen.

So I guess my advice to you is advice that I need to remind myself of too. Instead of letting it get us frustrated or angry, let’s just take it head on. Fuck it. Seriously, just say fuck it. When it’s someone like a celebrity or something, there’s no way we’re gonna be able to talk to them, let alone change their mind. So it’s not worth being upset about. Who cares what they believe? They probably haven’t paid their taxes in a decade, so who cares. If it’s someone you know, obviously it’s a lot more difficult. I’m very strategically only friends with people who don’t buy into all the trans bullshit, but A LOT of my cousins are very, uh...libfemmy. But I just talk about my opinion on things to them anyway. I use the liberal language a bit more because it does make people not immediately tune out, which helps a lot. It’s better to keep calm, and just talk. Not yell, but be clear you’re not gonna fall for the victim charade when they start quoting the “1 in 12” nonsense or whatever else the trans cult has came up with. And go in knowing you’re not gonna change their minds, and that that’s ok. Seriously, it’s totally and completely 100% ok if you don’t change anybody’s mind. Lord knows I’ve tried with several people and they’re still out there thinking dicks can be female lol

Most importantly, if you find yourself too jaded or too tired of all this shit, please just click right out of this hellsite. Seriously. This place is poison, it really is. It’s gonna be hard now with the whole worldwide quarantine and all...but real life activism is important. I guess I lied earlier lol, I do have somewhat of an answer for you on how I handle all this bullshit when I get down. I work with young pregnant women and girls as a volunteer. I’ve been in their shoes, and it really helps to have someone who knows what it’s like. By the time I found out about my own pregnancy as a result of rape as a teenager, it was too late to legally abort it. The family that i chose to adopt the baby got me a midwife, and that midwife and I became very close. Now, she introduces me to other pregnant young women and girls she meets through her own volunteer work, and I walk them through all their options: abortion, keeping it, open adoption, closed adoption, etc. and I give them my phone number and let them know they can call me whenever they need to talk. I go with them as a friend to get the abortion if they want, or to look through books of adoptive families and help them choose between the ones they like.

The reason I’m saying all this is because volunteering like that, being there for these girls in a way that no one was really there for me...it keeps me sane, honestly. Whenever I’m bummed about something stupid a TIM did or said, I remember that I’ve done more for women than he could ever even dream of. That I’ve left a positive impact out there, on the real, tangible, physical world. So, if you can, I highly recommend volunteering somewhere. I know it sounds cheesy as shit, but really. And idk how old you are, but if you’re in highschool, a lot of colleges like to see volunteer work on applications, so it could be good for your future, too! It doesn’t even have to be about feminism. Go volenteer to walk dogs at your local pet shelter, or help out at a homeless shelter. Another thing I do when my disability acts up really bad and I’m incapable of leaving my bed is I do free design work for local charities and feminist groups. So if you’re artistic, reach out to any small charity you like and ask if they need someone to design some posters, tee shirts, or images for their website!

Even in quarantine, shelter animals need to be taken care of, charities/non profits need websites maintained, women’s shelters need pads and tampons, homeless people need food....there’s still so much you can do. So yeah, that’s definitely my recommendation. Fuck these assholes, ok? Who gives a shit what they think. Who gives a fuck if some man thinks we’re bitches for refusing to call him a woman. Who cares. We’re better than that. You’re better than that. It’s really hard, I know, but I promise it does get easier to laugh at it all💕

[ithilwen-lionheart]

Love, lead me on - Legolas x Priestess!Reader/OC - Chapter 1 pt. 1/2

[ Notes: ]

- takes place during The Battle Of The Five Armies

- based on Hey Say JUMP's 'Ai yo boku wo, michibiite yuke'

[ Work Text: ]

A priestess should be one with her surroundings in order to be bound with even the tiniest sounds around her without the use of her senses- from the flutter of a butterfly's wings to the eruption of a volcano.

She is to hear every heart -beating or not- around her as well as the pleads for help and the cries of pain and anguish, tears of those who lost, and those of which who were forsaken. At the chance of being an audience to this, she is to act, for fate had not placed her in the situation she is in for a mere play at destiny's chessboard.

A priestess is there for more than a single reason: to lay gentle hands on the wounded, to aid the disabled, to protect the defenseless, to provide comfort and dreams to the haunted and to save as many souls as she could in behalf of the honor of both herself and the order that she represents by the crest that she wears.

-----

Amidst the roaring flames and clouds of smoke and sight of nothing but destruction, death and chaos, a tiny flicker of hope rises at the hearts of every single villager left alive and running in the floating city of Laketown.

Among them is a priestess, albeit a novice, of the Northern Order.

Dark hair as blue as the night, skin that glistens a milky white under both the sun and moon, and eyes that are the most fanciful shade of lilac. She is a wonder dressed in a dark brown garb over a short white dress and loose pants tucked underneath knee-length boots, darting around the docks hidden under a simple royal blue hood.

As much as she is still a trainee, she sees to it that she could be the best that she could ever be at every moment given and so here she is taking every villager she could into safety and out of the raging flames consuming the entirety of the village.

She is, like Lady Galadriel had said, here for a reason and even though some parts of the 'whyfor's' still isn't anywhere near clear for her at the moment, her heart had already found the most significant reason behind her rushing about just under the gargantuan dragon, Smaug: it was because a piece of her was here.

The piece of her that she so willingly gave to a person who never even asked much less needed it and doesn't even know he had it in the first place: Prince Legolas of Mirkwood, son of Elvenking, Thranduil.

All she had to do was pick up a thing or two about the elves from Mirkwood after miraculously gaining the King's approval through the Elf Lord Elrond, who seemed to have this uncanny fondness of her.

It started with tours around the villages and the castle; then lessons on their language and spells, books and healing; and then it got muddled up with archery and horseback riding because she was studying under Legolas after all and he seemed to develop a fascinating fixation on her Siberian Tiger, Luna- while herself -much to her dismay and disapproval- fell for the prince each day that had passed until she began to ardently wish she could learn shifting sometime soon within that mere month.

But that wasn't the problem, no.

"Celine? Celine!" A hand on her shoulder attempted to shake her back to reality.

This, this was the problem.

Although it took the girl a few moments to register the voice since she was still hearing the screams of a woman who just lost her beloved husband over the memories that smelled vividly of book pages, herbs and had the elf prince written all over it in shades of gold and late afternoon sunlight. She felt something clenching her heart at this and she doesn't know whether she's mourning for the woman's loss or her own.

The girl looks up and sees long ginger hair in braids and bright emerald eyes glistening with concern on the face of the beautiful elf warrior, "Tauriel..." she trails off and turns to look at the thick clouds of smoke that covers the light of the stars.

Tauriel furrows her brows a bit and lets go of the younger girl, "Are you alright?" She asks because there's something in the girl's eyes that goes beyond being a simple Old Soul and a novice priestess.

Celine just nods and shifts her attention to the elf approaching their group. The she-elf notes how the younger girl falters for a moment before schooling her features into that of her usually playful sheepishness around Legolas.

-----

*If I'm allowed to peep into your heart, I only want to make sure of one thing,

I wonder if I exist somewhere in the road leading to you...*

The blond prince approached both of them and it never escaped her how those icy blue eyes simply grazed over her before completely settling on Tauriel.

"Is everything alright, Tauriel?" He asked, his voice gentle and worried as he sheathed his sword and placed it back on its slot in his belt.

And it was just like as if it's just the two of them standing there on burnt planks over the debris-littered water. As if the captain of the guard didn't just leave him alone to chase after Azog during the preliminary ambush of the orcs back when Laketown still wasn't crumbling down in dragon flames, as she tended to the dwarf, Kili.

Tauriel nods, giving the girl beside her a glance that wasn't discreet enough for Legolas not to notice.

'But then again, it's not as if Legolas never noticed anything Tauriel does...' Celine ponders while trying her best not to sound bitter inside her own thoughts as she places that maybe she knows exactly why her chest feels all tight.

Then those piercing eyes were now on hers. He swipes an arrow from his back and aims at something behind her, then shoots.

It hits an orc straight in the face.

"You should know better than to space out at times like these, Celine." His tone was reprimanding but nevertheless, the concern was still in there.

And she adds it up to the reasons why she's still helplessly clinging to this hopeless attachment.

She settles on with a sigh, since mulling about it at present would just mess up with her performance.

Tossing the idea aside, she allowed her senses to fire up and quickly took a dagger from her waist to fling it on the beast that stood a few feet just behind the unsuspecting prince. Finding a remotely stable pole behind them, she ran for it and used it to propel herself forward to kick the thing square on the face for good measure- her body barely missing the prince's face and shoulder as she gracefully spun horizontally through the junction.

Hitting her mark, she then landed on both feet and made a dramatic flourish and a bow after seeing that she had both elve's attention: Tauriel had her face fixed with awe and a sense of profound pride and Legolas simply gawked, albeit effectively unapparent to those who haven't memorized his set of facial reactions.

Which sums up to everyone else who isn't Celine, "Same goes to you, Prince Legolas." She snickers and stood straight, the cape of her hood swishing behind her.

Legolas smirked, "I would not get too brazen now, dear priestess." And she pretends her heart didn't melt at the reply or the title, when he walked towards her and swung his sword at yet another orc behind her.

As much as they're both always at each other's throats and tempers, when it comes to times like these- when they're in the battlefield, running through blood and gore, it's almost as if a bonus instinct that they'd watch each other's back. Even if it's often Celine doing the job while Legolas is busy looking after his love, Tauriel.

Its not as if the novice priestess minds it anyways, she could do this forever so long as she could see his precious smiles safe and sound even if it's for someone else. 'Better see it than not at all, right?' She would all too often think during the times she'd begin to doubt the acceptability of the extents she'd be willing to take for the admiration she feels for the prince.

"If you could please bow, my dear prince?" She suddenly requests and it was so much of an overused 'there's some filth behind you that I am going to hit so please duck' that Legolas immediately complied with an equally mischievous smile as hers, knowing what it means by habit.

Celine swung her left arm back and with it brought water forth and turned them into icicles that she used to successfully impale the beast with, being extremely cautious so as to avoid hitting the exact person she was protecting.

By the moment Legolas had straightened back up to his full height, he shot him one of his grateful little smiles that -she grew to know- meant nothing more than appreciation, before his whole attention was back on some debris that nearly fell over Tauriel had he not pushed her away in time and would've hit both elves had Celine not whistled for Luna to tackle them both to the side.

Commanding the water to douse the flames threatening to begin spreading from their area, she throws them another one of her cheeky grins and places a hand just above her heart,

"At your service, my dearest Prince Legolas and Lady Tauriel."

The Great Tiger then gracefully strides back to her owner at her beckoning and affectionately rubs her huge furry head against the young novice's entire side, "you did great, Luna! Huh? What is it?" Celine's train of giggles was cut off by her familiar's observatory report. Her entire mien changing from the carefree one not too long ago to a deathly serious expression, "Bard? That's foolish! He wouldn't be able to take down Smaug using ordinary arrows. What? His son? Where is he? Oh dear goddess... Okay, take me there." The novice then swiftly climbs up as Luna crouched for her master to settle in.

Noticing the confused although hardened expressions on her companion's faces, she tried to smile even though it came out as a grimace, "If you could please fetch Bard's children from their home? The boy's not there, I'm going to find him." Celine offers as a cue that they should get back to their posts and save as many lives as they could.

And that was precisely when Tauriel made that face that spoke volumes of her concern through her features.

The younger girl could feel her heart break a little for Legolas but she still spoke nevertheless- the bit of information is necessary for all of them to function and know what they're doing and the people that concern them after all, "And yes, Tauriel, the dwarves are with them. Luna also notes that Kili had successfully recovered." The young priestess informs the she-elf who flushed in an embarrassed yet comfortable surprise, while Legolas rose a scrutizing brow with his eyes now fixed on hers.

This, of course, caused the priestess to reach behind and scratch her neck diffidently, a guilty upwards turn on her lips as she spoke, "And I may or may not have mixed in some very specific ingredients to hasten the healing process..." she then averts her gaze to the side and away from electrifying blues, fearing that her resolution to remain neutral would waver at the intensity of those eyes.

Before she knew it there was a hand that rested on her leg that wasn't Legolas' and Tauriel was looking up at her with great relief and gratitude, "Thank you." And those mere words and the thankful squeeze should not have given anything away aside from a profound sense of alleviation but there was a reason why novice's are sent to see the world before they could be considered priestesses.

It is to learn about every being in Middle-Earth, regardless of race and seeing nothing but the hearts underneath chests of either skin or fur, paying careful attention to the underlying emotions behind every breath, batter of eyelashes and those that swirl just around a creature's eyes before disappearing entirely and turning into something else.

And in those emerald green gems she saw love. A yearning so desperate yet aimless and confused just barely concealing the heart's desires with a thin sheen that's nearly transparent. Tauriel had fallen for the dwarf and she knew it ever since that night in Mirkwood's dungeons even though the she-elf was not consciously aware of it.

It was so apparent that it even began to concern Thranduil and Celine was there but she'll never say the words she had heard when the King had confronted his army's captain because it was a secret she'd be willing to bury with her heart once it finally dies from all the blows it had endured for and from the obliviousness of the prince.

"Legolas had grown very found of you."

"I assure you, he only looks at me as a captain and a guard. Nothing more."

"Perhaps once. But not anymore."

"Surely you would not let your son pledge himself to a lowly Silvan elf."

"Yes. You are right. But he cares about you. Do not give him hope where there is none."

"Shall we head off, Tauriel?" Lilac eyes were fixed on the blonde prince as he clasped a wary hand on Tauriel's shoulder, and she knows just how much he tries to push the inevitable aside.

Because she's doing the exact same thing.

Not trusting herself enough to meet his equally broken soul hidden underneath those pale blue eyes, Celine was quick to turn to the opposite direction heading to Bard's house without once turning back at the elves behind her.

"Appears not... we're on completely different roads and I exist nowhere in yours." A lone tear made its way down one flushed cheek and a brown gloved hand quickly went up to furiously rub it off. She then dons up a smile because it wouldn't help the villagers she'll come across if they'll see her like this, and pats the side of her lifetime companion, "Let's get going. Shall we, Luna?"

-----

*Within the fleeting dream, I wish this unexploited love to end,

Yet, I open my eyes to this red and flickering flame of love...*

Casualty had and will always be a given whenever dragons and war are involved.

No matter what a single or even a group of persons and races do, it could never be avoided and there would still be those who they failed to reach in time and those they never even knew of.

That would most likely explain the burnt and mangled bodies that were strewn across the shore from where they evacuated everyone else.

It was already in the middle of the night and everyone else was long asleep. Celine doesn't know why but out of all the people who had lost someone that's close to their hearts, she was the one who took everything the hardest. Sleep just couldn't find her and so she volunteered to keep the fires burning to keep the villagers from freezing since winter's already upon them.

Smaug's dead, Bard had successfully slain it and was reunited with his family, he was even given the title 'Dragon Slayer'; and the dwarves of Erebor, lead by Thorin Oakenshield, finally reclaimed their homeland.

Of course Kili left with them but it never stopped the dwarf from entertaining the frivolous idea of taking Tauriel with him and that split second of consideration in the she-elf's eyes didn't manage to get pass Celine's keen observation. The priestess then wondered that perhaps Legolas noticed it too because he quickly intervened and told his captain to take her leave of the dwarf who then in turn left a stone with engravings on it as a promise that he'll come back for her.

And that was when she saw the resolution on the prince's eyes deteriorate and through a chink, she was able to see the hurt and despairing vie as his entire figure slumped ever so slightly.

The bluenette visibly sighs now, white puffs of air slipping pass her open mouth. Everything just gets too ridiculously cold whenever Death walks by, and the fact that he leaves trails of emptiness and a path of irremediable loneliness only makes it worse.

A priestess, even those who are novices, could feel the presence of Death and is not exempted from it's dreadful aftertaste. She is consciously aware of the lives it took and the pleads of the souls who do not wish to depart from their loved ones and it tastes like bile stuck at the back of her throat.

The voices are there, yes. And it drags her down into the state of half-sleep, a void that is a mixture of both her conscious and unconscious thoughts. She succumbs to it, it's not as if her service is needed anytime soon and Legolas and Tauriel left earlier to ride north, so there's not really much left for her to do except to keep close watch of the bonfire.

Laying down, her back rested against patches of grass and dirt and she remained still, took a deep breath, watched the midnight skies clear for once to make way for starlight. It never failed to make her marvel at how surreal and distant the skies feel for mortals, like some unattainable dream forever for them to see but never to touch and everything goes back and all she could see was the elf prince the very instant she had closed her eyes.

It all come crashing down like some vivid recollection of the times she stood beside him. From the way he elegantly draws his arrows, aims with his long arms and shocking depths of intoxicating blue, and then shoots with deadly precision at whatever his target is; to the way he skillfully fights his enemies with practiced ease in using swords and daggers as well as quick wits; how he could be so much of an adept warrior yet a refined prince both at the same time; how he's so warm, so gentle and there's so much knowledge crammed into the little space in his eyes and even though his soul could be ages old, he'll remain eternally youthful and curious and the fact that his heart could be so achingly dedicated to both the wrong causes and the right ones in tragic equality, Celine finds, is the thought that hurts her the most.

Sometimes she couldn't keep herself from wishing that she never had these feelings in the first place. The fact that a critical part of her supposedly undivided attention as an aspiring priestess had been effortlessly snagged by one single person is trouble enough, but coupling it with the actuality that it is unrequited only makes it all the more unbearable for her. It partitions everything she does in two and as much as she doesn't want to shamelessly admit it, if there'll be some innocent human, elf, or dwarf hanging on the edge of a cliff with an incapacitated Legolas on the other and she could only save one of them she'd very much rush to the prince's aid without so much as a second thought.

"Argh," she groans in self-disappointment, "I should get my priorities set straight.. I am such a horrible disgrace to my house." she threw her hands up, still refusing to open her eyes.

"How could you say such a thing about yourself?" And that voice sounded so hauntingly beautiful and familiar that she wished she could just close her eyes forever and hear nothing but the sound of that voice saying her name in the tone it would use to address his beloved.

She tried to keep her eyes closed, feign sleep-talking or at least anything at all to keep her from seeing him as near her as the way his voice sounded because she doubts she'll be able to take this without breaking and like always, she fell a prisoner to his words as he leaned a bit closer and demanded that she appropriately face him whenever they're talking.

Lilac eyes fluttered open and all she could see was his face curtained by his silky long blonde locks on each side and she figures maybe he's the reason why the moon was missing that night.

Like some child in a trance, Celine slowly reaches upward with one hand to gingerly touch a few glistening strands in between her thumb and index fingers just to see if the Legolas crouching down beside her was real.

With the slightest curve on the side of one perfect mouth, the figure vanished into thin air, like silvery whisps of evergreen scented vapor. It didn't even take a second for the girl to realize that it was nothing more but a figure of her yearning that was immense enough for it to take concrete form through the unconscious use of her power.

Standing up with an emotionally spent expression strewn across her face for no one to see, she made her way towards the camp to replenish the fire threatening to die out.

The renewed pang her daydream left fueled the flickering embers in her heart even as it slowly turned into everything synonymous to despair as she stared at the crackling wood before her.

The illusion may have deserted her but the hole it left in her heart had stayed- and the apprentice thinks she'll harbor that for as long as her pitiful existence on earth would be.

-----

*I might not be the one who warms up your cold and numb hands, but

the one who can illuminate my future in this world is only you...*

The real Legolas is with Tauriel under the same stars she's seeing that night. It is relatively cold and Celine wonders if they're some place warm or are they sitting close enough to each other in front of an open fire outside.

It wouldn't matter if it gets cold. There are two of them afterall. Always had been and always will be. Because even though the elleth have some tendencies to go astray, the priestess knows that the prince would blindly follow her through the ends of the world.

And perhaps -Celine hopes- that the captain would at least return the favor by protecting him even if it'll be done out of mere courtesy. It would be hard for the priestess to intervene if they would be this far away from her and some time soon, she'll have to leave their sides and discover the rest of the world-

Alone. To further pursue her desire to be a legitimate priestess of great power to protect and help those who are in need the same way she'd dedicate herself to safeguard those whom she holds dear.

Tear-stained violets continued to stare on at the dancing flames as she curled up into a ball in a fetal sitting position. Allowing herself the luxury of weeping for all the wrong causes she'd be willing to take and the future she could never see without the prince in it.

Even so, she'll thrive for that future if she must, seeing as it is her only purpose for living. And the road she'd take towards that path would always be lit up by the purpose of being able to stand proudly beside the prince someday, even if it means that she'll have to stay as nothing more but a priestess in his service.

-----

*Even though I deliver this "I love you" to you one million times.

In the end, you won't give me a "YES", but

I will deliver this "I love you" to you one more million times again.

Oh love, please show me a way... *

They never went back that day. Or the day after that. Not even when the villagers of Laketown went on their journey towards the ruined city of Dale, not even after they have arrived.

The bluenette girl did her best to be of help to everyone. From tending to the wounded and handing out blankets and food rations to keeping watch at night and maintaining the flames, just to get her mind off of things.

She knows that even Bard himself had grown worried of her dedication to keeping the night watch but he never did directly voice his concern. He just asked her once if she's alright and suggested that he could give the task to someone else that night just so that she could have a well-deserved rest, to which she, of course, courteously declined.

The midnight chills are much better than the warmth of a blanket after all.

These past few days, sleep had been her enemy, everything that came close to it had conjured the same picturesque version of the prince. The one who'd openly smile for her and for her alone, the one she could actually tell her genuine feelings to without the fear of being looked down upon with distaste and being avoided altogether. She couldn't really recount how many times she told this prince how much she adores him and how many times he'd been so close to touch before her consciousness kicks back in and she realizes that everything was just the same tricks her mind was playing on her over and over again.

And so, over and over she fell and swore and spilled the same words to the same figure, hoping that it would at least make him realize how much she truly, desperately means it. Over and over she awakes to see herself in the same position: curled into a ball, tucked beside Luna in front of the blazing fire before her, her cheeks wet; over and over her thoughts would wander to Legolas and she'll say the same words again.

Some nights, she'll ride Luna at full speed and run up at hills to scream, at others she'll curl in with the tiger and just settle with a coveted whisper.

All those times, her words fell on deaf ears. All those nights, her voice shivered and cracked words of admiration and dedication for the prince. Over and over again.

Out of love, out of helpless passion that she knew would never be returned.

And she'll make the same decision because none of it was ever a mistake.

Nothing could be considered a mistake anymore, especially not a word said a million times before and again.

-----

*After giving me a smile with downcast eyes, you suddenly grew up

That was like a sharp knife split my chest apart...*

The desolation of Smaug was merely a part of something bigger. Compared to the bloody war that came next, the flames and corpses of human villagers was nothing compared to the aftermath that The Battle of The Five Armies had left.

Bloody, mangled remains of elves, dwarves, orcs, and humans had littered both the foot of Erebor and the repeatedly destroyed city of Dale along with discarded armors and deteriorated stone walls of once great cities.

No matter how you put it, there's no absolute victory even after the war had been won by the rallied forces of all races combined against the Gundabad orcs and the annihilation of Azog the Defiler and his right-hand, Borg.

Not even Celine -the young apprentice to Lady Galadriel- could feel remotely festive even if she was the key to every bit of success they had with this war.

She had stopped a very much unneeded war between the Sindarin Elves and the army of Thorin's cousin and had fought alongside the dwarves and elves as Durin's kin hid behind the walls of Erebor while the orcs attacked in astounding numbers. Standing firm with her usual garbs and nothing else but her courage and a sword and the skills she had learned from Legolas. Her great tiger, Luna, beside her.

Celine had fought and will fight, for everyone else's life if not for her prince's. That's why and how she manages to live, her own self-preservation completely going down in shambles every moment this unreciprocated charade of hers stretched on and she's not even remotely guilty to throw her life across the line far more times than she had kissed and will kiss the moon goodnight - and she aims to be a priestess of the moon someday.

[ To be continued in Chapter 1 pt. 2/2 ]

[ A/N: ] I wasn't aware of the word count limit here in Tumblr seeing as this is my first time putting one of my fics out here so here's the 1st part of the 1st chapter to an ongoing fanfiction book I'm writing over at Wattpad entitled 'Love lead me on'.

Am gonna try cross-posting some of my fanfics here so as to bring my blog some life so I hope y'all give them some love~!

[ganymedesclock]

I realize that I put out a post of Troupe headcanons but not Grimm-specific ones, which is funny because I did announce my intent to make headcanon posts for all the Higher Beings earlier,

He has this thing where he never presents himself as royalty. There’s certainly an air to him, how he carries himself, how he talks, but very often, he’ll take orders from creatures far beneath him and even allow himself to be insulted or affronted with very little rebuke. It’s a very long-running temper, Grimm’s. Much longer than his clan tends, so, if one makes a habit of exploiting Grimm’s patience, it pays to keep in mind that being haunted for a while by a Grimmkin Novice with a penchant for nasty pranks is the nicest thing that might happen.

Speaking of, there’s a certain trickery- anyone of decent magical talent can probably tell that Grimm and his clan are all glamouring themselves with dreams. However, since the majority of the grimmkin are fundamentally mortal bugs, the presumption is that Grimm is the same- merely a powerful spellcaster. Anyone who’s found a way to peep beneath Grimm’s glamours and see the Nightmare King, however, is in for an... interesting surprise, to say the least.

He’s obscenely, hopelessly polymath. He’s got about a thousand acts and picks up new skills quickly. About the one thing he can’t really do is sing, because he’s got this thing where his throat is scarred by smoke and fire, one of the things he never gets rid of incarnation to incarnation.

As soon as the Grimmchild has those red eyes, that means it’s technically just Grimm- might have some growing to do, but at that point, everything’s fully transferred and the previous Grimm is dead.

Grimm remembers the past incarnations, all the way back to his first- but he’s never the same person. He’s died young, lived to a very old age, been all sorts of genders, gained disabilities from injuries or incarnated with a disability- and died lots and lots of different ways. While the ritual bearer is always an instrumental part, what causes the end of any particular incarnation of Grimm really depends, a lot.

The true form of the Nightmare King looks relatively little like Grimm; he’s basically a being of raw fire held together in a thin-stretched mortal membrane that he gradually burns through over time, which is what really causes a particular incarnation of him to age and weaken over time. It’s possible to temporarily pluck him out of said mortal body. Possible, but... not exactly wise.

In his true form, Grimm is more reactive and driven by emotions- his own, and his acute sense of others. It is usually a joke when someone says something can smell fear. That’s not a joke for the Nightmare King. He knows exactly what you’re feeling and if you’re especially scared of him, it will get his attention, and interest, and it’s a lot harder for him to focus and think about decorum, politeness, low profiles, or the flammability of mortals if he’s in that raw state. He can reign himself in by mental discipline, but it’s hard and may not happen before you’ve gotten burnt.

He doesn’t cause misfortune, but he and his troupe have certainly been identified as an omen of it, and rightly so. Of course, Grimm is politely incredulous at the notion that he sees the future. It would be more accurate to say that he’s old, observant, and has a magical perception of entropy and the way that it acts on others. He really doesn’t need to have a Wyrm’s eyes to say that the very anxious aristocrat dripping in old regrets is not long for this world- and if the bug proves him right in their frenzy to escape what they view as an oracular prediction of their death, then, well. He’s merely done what any competent roadside fortune-teller does; tell people what they need to hear based on observation.

The fact that Grimm fights Ghost only for the Ritual gives the player, I believe, an overly serious perception of how Grimm fights on average. Most of the times Grimm gets into a fight he is not actually threatened nor under any particular obligation to take it seriously. He fights like Bugs Bunny without the cartoony physics-breaking antics or inexplicable production of props. He’s not taking on the average highwayman with fire bats and cape spikes, no, he’s holding them up with their own knife while he politely offers to read their palm and this is when literal clowns don’t get involved.

That said if he actually does cut loose on someone, he is capable of a veritable laundry list of horrifying ghost things. No matter how chill you are with Grimm it is probably not good for your psychological health to look at the aftermath of someone he was displeased enough with to kill.

His unusual nature as a Higher Being means that he actually has a very rare immunity among light-oriented gods- while not immune to the void, it doesn’t inherently hurt him. Part of this is, he’s technically “hollow” himself, due to separating the Nightmare Heart from his body.

His distance from the Nightmare Heart also does affect him physically- he’s cold as a corpse unless he’s been using fire magic lately and has no discernible pulse. Also, while a lot of normal things are fatal to him, he can’t die from being impaled in the heart, for example- since it’s not in his chest.

He’s taught people dark magic before. Not even people who were troupe members or became one, just, like. it happened.

He has a very complicated system of debts and old favors. Only he really can tell the complicated system of rules for when he feels indebted to someone, but, if a favor is owed, a favor will be paid. Furthermore, while he’s not the exploitative sort, if something has been promised him that was that person’s to give, he’s rather precise about collecting. There’s a reason that people can leave the troupe any time, but they won’t be able to take everything with them, and what they lose depends heavily on what they sought joining and their reasons for leaving.

Most likely Higher Being to gatecrash your wedding / baby’s first birthday / coming-of-age ceremony / royal ball, etc. What reason he’s there depends, a lot, as does whether or not this is a good thing.

I guess what a lot of this amounts to is he teeters this really weird line where sometimes he’s super likable and funny and you can be very close to him, but at the end of the day he’s an unnerving death god fair folk and ain’t entirely your bro even if you’ve been his right hand for centuries. Even if maybe he actually would’ve liked to go easy on you, but that’s not how the agreements were worded... and the Heart is a relentless and hungry thing, even if it belongs only to him, it has no hesitation burning the rest of his body up to feed itself. All the layers of civility and emotional attachment in the world don’t make him less of a flame. In the end, he always burns.